My class today

Me: So when you see the 4 year old boy pull the little girl's hair...

Students: He likes her!

Me: Now they are around 11 or 12 and he grabs her arm and wrestles her to the ground even though she calls him a jerk and yells at him to leave her alone.

Students: That is just how boys are.

Me: Now they are 18 and he grabs her arm and--

Students: Oh, that's not okay.

Me: Really? How would he know? How would she know? How would you know? You just told me that for the first 17 years of these children's lives that you thought it was cute, sweet, and natural for a boy to grab a girl and be rough with her.

Students: Oh.

Me: Oh, is right.

(via Lavender Labia)

I think I spent too much time in recent years

consciously letting myself miss shots I knew I wanted to take. In fact, often actively preventing small vocal parts of myself from taking control and taking those shots. I sat around on my haunches and continued sipping at people I wanted deeper tastes of, or just breathing them in from across the room. Somehow, I let all of my 'What if...' wonderings be negative, ignoring the possibility that something good could come of my curious wanting. I out-hesitated hesitation and out-stalled stalling, moving straight into consciously ignoring. This eventually led to sort of taking what I could get, moving only when interest had been expressed. 

Making the first move was a silly risk, too big a gamble to take. I wasn't pretty/thin/smart/funny/sexy/cool/into-X-thing(s) enough for the person(s) in question. He was probably like that with everyone. It probably didn't mean anything. He liked White/short/slim girls. I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. I had a nearly endless litany of excuses.

...I no longer want my feelings to be things I am embarrassed of or make excuses regarding. I don't want to push myself into a corner full of nos before I even ask my questions aloud. I don't want to keep cheating myself out of potentials. I don't want the only shots I take to be at myself.

I am far from being a supermodel, but I think I can be my own brand of exquisite from time to time. There are lots of things I don't know, but lots of things I know enough to have extensive conversations about. I make people laugh all the time. My sexiest place isn't necessarily the dance floor, but sensuality ripples in me. Like humor, I'm coolest when I'm not trying to be., I think I am full of flaws, yes, but I am just as full of fabulousness. It's not fair to everything I have worked and am working to be to discount one or the other when it comes to feelings I might catch.

This is all to say that I recently randomly met a person in real life and felt the strongest all-around interest I've ever felt in a stranger. And I want to uncharacteristically do something about this, because being chickenshit should not be characteristic of my life in any aspect.   

This. This exactly.

Reblogged from come correct

Neglected to post this when I first discovered it

But it's still awesome:

I went to Princeton, bitch!

I need feminism because "'Guys like that don't date girls like me' has been said in my presence one too many times. Not agreeing on music or politics is one thing, accepting the close minded, bigoted socially constructed version of beauty from a boy you like, and feeling like less for it is entirely different.

-- Who Needs Feminism

Reblogged because "said in my presence," for me, means not only that I have friends who have said this/things to this effect, but that such things have also come out of my own mouth, and that has to stop. That kind of attitude reduces both the self and the object of affection to prescriptive stereotypical roles and just isn't doing anything productive/constructive for anyone involved. Subset of my new "Why not?" philosophy on life: What do you have to lose? 

It continually amazes me how much substantitve change can occur in such a short time for teens and twenty-somethings.

So ChoosingPancakes asked me to see my OKCupid profile sometime last week. I'd told her a while ago that she could look at it, so I opened it up to send her the link and she sent me hers. I was comparing some of our answers to various questions (we're a pretty good match, heh) out of curiosity when I stumbled upon an answer to some question about sex that actually made me laugh out loud. An answer to another question which had become completely false contained the explanation "I don't to casual sex..." and I almost fell out on the floor, I was laughing so hard. I then searched my OkCupid profile for every question I had ever answered about sex so that I could throw all of it out and accurately represent myself. Today I finally got the personality-meter to say I'm ever-so-slightly sex-driven, and that made me smile.

...But it's not like those questions were from a particularly long time ago. I just made that account towards the end of last summer, as part of my breakup-recovery process. (Talked to a few guys, was reminded of my desirability by men who aren't my ex, didn't actually meet any of the guys I talked to, but felt like my mission had nonetheless been accomplished.) The oldest those questions could be is from 9 months ago.


...And yet, I'd guess that less than 30% of them were still accurate. It seems that nearly the entirety of my opinions about sex and sexual relationships has changed over the course of this academic year. Granted, the casual sex I've had this year ranged from somewhat awkward (but still pleasurable) to mind-blowing chronologically. But I actually don't think that's at the root of my changed opinions. Maybe it's less due to substantive change and more due to me no longer giving a fuck about who and how and why I fuck about self-repression for the sake of decorum or societal pressure or respectability or whatever. Maybe it's less that I stopped wanting to be a good girl and more that I realized I'd never really wanted to be overwhelmingly good in the first place, and that I didn't particularly like being perceived of in that manner. On an even more basic level, though, I think I always knew that I wanted my first time to be "special," but that after that, I was probably going to be open to a bit more adventure and sexual exploration.

I wonder how my experiences (hopefully) exploring this magical thing between hookups and relationships called "dating" might prompt changes in the responses again. I'm sure I have friends who would say this is just one more example of why you can never trust my opinions on anything because they'll change in a year. I will concede that my opinions about things change a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm fickle or that I wasn't being honest or trustworthy when we discussed my opinion the first time--it means that I am the amalgamation of my lived experiences and this funny things happen, when those grow and expand, so do I.  

An excerpt from a conversation with KS from the other day that I can't stop thinking about:

Me: I can think of two Black guys on this campus that I would actually date--well, that I know well and would actually date. 

KS: Is [name redacted, 1] one of them? 

Me: Yes.

KS: Is [name redacted, 2] the other?

Me: No. [High school me would have dated him, which probably explains why freshman year me was somewhat obsessed.]

KS: *ponders who the other might be*

Me: You know, I'm starting to think that not making any moves towards something happening with [name redacted, 1] might be one of the things I regret most about my time here. He's moving to [location redacted] and he doesn't really love this place, so I'm not sure he'll be around at reunions all that often and I feel like I've run out of time. 

KS: So make a move! Call him up tomorrow and be like, "If I wanted to have babies, I'd have yours, but I don't..."


...I laughed at his ridiculousness then, and confessed that I'd been contemplating trying to hook up with him just so I wouldn't have to always wonder what it would have been like, but I keep hearing him say that in my head. What's keeping me from telling him how much more I'd like to be around him, at the very least? Why did we never actually act on any of the mutually-agree-that-we-should-hang-out-more-when-running-into-each-other-at-a-party things? What do I have to lose? 

[name redacted, 2] and I agreed to have lunch sometime this week, but I'm less sure about how I feel about him than I am about [name redacted, 1].

And speaking about people I want to hook up with, I'm trying to find a non-sketchy way to reach out to the female friend of mine who propositioned me earlier in the year about making that actually happen sometime soon, and maybe this is just my frustration talking, but I've started to notice that every time I'm in the same room as the first guy I ever hooked up with at Princeton, I think about giving him a round two.

Enjoying someone's company v. liking them "enough"

Two of my dear friends have been dealing with similar interesting and unfortunate situations recently. It's a situation both I and my ex went through a version of, and some might say we paid for not paying enough attention to it. 

So you have this friend, or this acquaintance, and you're trying to figure out whether your feelings for them go beyond friend/acquaintance-ship. Maybe you've learned that they have feelings for you. Maybe you just like spending time with them so much that you're conflicted about what you're feeling. Whatever. The point is, how do you know where to draw the line between liking someone as a person and liking them enough to be in a relationship with them? What are the ethics of entering a relationship for exploratory purposes? Should you have to feel some romantic-comedy-esque "spark" or intense desire before embarking on the whole relationship thing, or is it cool if you just like to kick it with X or Y person and want to make your kicking it an official thing?

I guess what I'm really driving at here is this: 

What exactly makes a lover different from a friend?

Apart from sexytime fun, of course. Because as hard as I try and try to think about what separates them, I'm coming up empty. I feel like both of the relationships I've been in were like, suddenly I had a new best friend I also got to regularly hook up with and be cutesy and publicly physical with. And even though the ends of these relationships had me feeling like a hot ass mess for days, the level of emotional commitment I felt to them can't even touch the foundations of the emotions I have for some of my friends. But saying that sex is the only difference seems...just somehow fundamentally like I'm doing something wrong, though Idk if it's my friendships or my romances. I have never found that I necessarily like the person I'm dating MORE than I like my closest friends, and honestly I'm not sure I would trust such feelings if I ever developed them. I even get conflicted about choosing to hang out with a partner over hanging out with my besties. 

But I'm getting off-topic. I begin with the above question in order to better understand the point and goal of relationships. I was at an event on Black Love on Tuesday night, and one of the icebreaker questions asked at the event was something to the effect of, what do you look for in a relationship, and my answers were basically the same things I look for in a close friendship. Which leads me to re-realize (because I've addressed this before) that I'm unsure what prompts me to turn friend/acquaintance-ships into relationships besides knowing that the other party is romantically (sexually?) interested in me and me not being actively disinterested in him (or, theoretically, her). And this question has never been posed to me directly, but I'm afraid that if someone asked me, say, what I wanted to "get" out of a relationship, I wouldn't know what to say but sex and companionship...and neither of those things really necessitates the title. I'm fully comfortable giving and receiving the title expecting only those two things though, and it seems a little bit ridiculous to me to expect anything more than those two things going into a title-based situation. 

Where does the l-word come in? (Love.) I...don't even know what that word is supposed to mean with regards to any sort of relationship, but particularly not with a romantic relationship. Do I NEED to get to that level for a relationship to be "worth it"? Can I still just use it to mean something in me resonates with something in you and I like the frequency we're vibing at? If I like the way that spending time with you makes me feel, should I just say that instead of trying to fit it into ambiguous constructs like "love"? Is that revolutionary or am I copping out? Maybe I should be trying to expand the definition of love to be applicable to all those various situations, but...even though I guess that's what I do now, I'm not entirely comfortable with that. Maybe it's a word that should retain some sort of special value, so that everyone knows what you're talking about when you use it.

How do we have legitimate and meaningful interactions when we're not even sure what we mean by the words we're using?

I'm getting off topic again, it seems. It seems to confuse some of my dear friends that I have no problem with what might be called "casual" relationships. By this I mean I can go into a relationship that I know isn't going to last and still be committed to and emotionally invested in that relationship. (This most likely stems from the fact that I conceptualize relationships as transient and ephemeral in nature, thus if I was unwilling to involve myself in romances that I didn't think would last, I would be committing myself to spinsterdom.) And yeah I guess that sounds like I'm just setting myself up to get hurt a lot, but again...that's just part of the way I fundamentally understand the game. I also get a lot of joy and contentment and comfort and satisfaction. 

All this to say, I'm unsure whether I really have even a fuzzily defined line between liking someone as a person and liking them enough to enter into a relationship with them if they expressed interest in something of this nature. I have trouble even imagining what sorts of characteristics would bring someone from one side of this hypothetical line to the other. This means I have nothing on which to even base an understanding of where people are coming from when they're averse to trying relationships with persons whose company (and maybe even affections) they enjoy. I want to understand, though...I really do. Because sometimes my perspective doesn't seem healthy to me. 

PostSecret is my favorite thing about Sundays.

Reblogged from PostSecret

I'm not just thinking about this in terms of male/female/fuck binary gender systems, but also in terms of all the weird kinds of trivial 'requirements' some people have about their prospective partners. You know, "he has to be taller than me with this kind of job and make this much money and dress this way and want to do more on Sundays that just watch football," or "she has to cook and clean and take care of the kids and maintain her figure after having said kids and always look put together and..." Eventually we'll all wake up and realize that the only truly necessary criterium is "this person needs to make me feel happy, safe, and secure, even when times are rough." 

I think that's your only chance to find ever after, if it exists.

Note to Self: Things to Remember about LinkedIn

It is not a dating site. Do not request an introduction with ulterior motives. Yes, you may stumble upon very attractive black male PhD candidates in Sociology with whom you share 5 connections and thus the site thinks you "might know", but that is not what this is for.

...Doesn't mean you can't look, though, and think to yourself, 'Damn, I wish I knew him.'

...And maybe when you're actually starting to seriously consider/make decisions about schools, you can request an introduction with actual questions to mask your ulterior motives, mwahaha! 

The most succinct word in the world

according to the Guinness Book of World Records, at least. I think I'm going to agree. 

Reblogged from 18° 15' N, 77° 30' W

 

Advice from Max

"...become a bit of an egomaniac. Just for a little while. Look at yourself in the mirror frequently and often and marvel at how fucking hawt you are. Wear tight clothes that show off your assets and assume that any negative feedback you get is just hating bitches hating. Strut around like your shit don’t stink. Constantly remind yourself how effing awesome you are and don’t let anything that happens convince you otherwise. If a girl looks at you sideways, it’s because she wishes she was you. A man rejects you? Because he’s not man enough to handle you. Just gas yourself up for a little while until you get to a point where your confidence is unshakeable. Because you need that to survive the dating game." -- Max, of max-logic

I think this applies to more than just the dating game--whenever shit is going badly, I just remind myself [okay, okay, with a little help from my friends (and India.Arie)]that I run dis shit, and then I keep it movin. She calls it egomania, Ev'Yan calls it narcissism, I call it loving yourself. Whatever you call it, don't forget to practice it, okay?   

Uncommon Compliments:

Reblogged from Cue Black Girls

#Imighthaftastealthat

Something E and I [and evidently my friend M] agree upon

Reblogged from On the Bright Side

Like, for real though. When I'm cruising along on that dating site I still haven't gotten any actual dates from [whatever, I know I'm fabulous] and I see a guy whose Favorite Books section includes legitimate LITERATURE instead of just graphic novels and Harry Potter (or worse: "I don't read much"), major cool points are added.

Kudos to you, good sir,

for knowing how to compliment a woman. Someone taught you well. Kudos to him or her as well.

The situation: 

Me, wearing my favorite Sesame Street shirt, waiting for the train door to open. There are two cuteish boys standing on the platform in front of the door, waiting to get on. Door opens. Boy A smiles at me. Boy B says, "I love your hair too, miss!" as he's stepping onto the train. I turn around to say, "Thank you!" enthusiastically and genuinely, and walk home with a big old smile on my face. 

He totally could have gotten my number or at least a legitimate interaction if he'd had the time/asked. Because THAT is how you talk to a woman. 

Reblogged from Vibe Vixen

This article made me laugh as I remembered the man who thought calling me Brown Chocolate was an appropriate way to garner my affections:

By Jessica C. Andrews at Vibe Vixen,

"Like most women, men have approached me since I was a child, 10 years old to be exact. Over the years, the attempts to get my number, whether through “Excuse Me Miss” speeches or full-on catcalls, have run the gamut from flattering to downright offensive.
And it seems the older I get, the more lewd and unbearable the approaches are. No matter how fine you are, here are 6 ways to NOT get my number:

1. Call me any name my parents did not give me.

No matter how many times you yell it, I will not respond to “Psst,” “Shortay,” “Yo” “Ma,” and the like. I have a name and approaching me that way will ensure you never know what it is.

2. Refer to me by using a body part, complexion or hair texture.

Men, if you call out a part of my body to identify me (i.e. “shorty with the fat butt,” “the short one” or “girl with the ‘fro”), it will just make me walk away faster. Sure I can put two and two together and figure out you’re talking to me. But guess what? I’m still not interested.

3. Approach a girl two seconds before you speak to me.

Let’s be clear: I don’t expect monogamy from men who holla at me on the street. But if you’re competing with your friends to see how many numbers you can get, or just can’t help but spit game to every girl you see, I am beyond turned off. Please find a whole stadium of seats.

4. Physically touch me.

I’ll never forget the time when I was walking through Atlantic Station and a guy grabbed me to spit game at me. Or the time a stranger on 42nd street cut in front of me and gave me a hug. Touching my body in any way is a guaranteed way to get me to turn down your advances—and run away from you as fast as I can.

5. Send your friend.

Now that we’ve graduated from elementary school, sending a friend to spit game on your behalf is pretty much unacceptable. You’re a big boy and can come up with lines all by yourself.

6. Too Many Lines.

Speaking of lines, I can tell when you’re reciting lyrics from Trey Songz’ latest album and when you’re being genuine. Spitting too much game is a good way to go home empty-handed"

I realized I am getting at least one thing out of this

online dating thing, even if it isn't any actual real world dates. I am doing something that terrifies me. I am doing what this cute little bit of sidewalk advises passersby to do:

Reblogged from 18° 15' N, 77° 30' W

And it can be hard sometimes. And it can be intimidating. And okay, I still blatantly ignore men who are obviously not worth my time and attention, so sue me. But, I am TALKING to people I don't know--I'm even having long and substantive conversations across a wide variety of topics with a couple of them. One guy even publicly left a compliment on my page about my conversation skills and how easy I was to talk to last night. And yeah okay maybe part of the difficulty I generally find in that is removed when your communication is via message or text, but I'd like to think that having these digital conversations with men I don't know will give me at least some practice, some idea of what to say and how to begin and how to not be the most awkward thing ever when someday I see a beautiful specimen on man in a coffee shop (or at the train station, or at the student center) and want to introduce myself. And so I think I'm going to keep doing it, at least for a little while. I don't really think it can hurt. It might even be doing me some good.  

I don't do casual well.

Let's talk about short-term/casual dating. What exactly is it? How does it work? Is there a difference between say, dating exclusively and being in a relationship? What level of emotional investment should be placed in it? It inherently contains a lack of commitment, right, so does that mean it's okay to be sort of ambivalent about it from the start? Is it, objectively, a good idea or a bad idea? Is it anything other than pointless to date someone who you know you don't want around for very long, who is cute and sweet and fun but not your "type"? [Is cute and sweet and fun and interested in me not enough of a type? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?] Is any relationship social interaction ever really entirely pointless?

The sitch: So there's this guy I've been talking to. We exchanged a few messages, then numbers, which led to these awesome really long text convos we've been having for the past few days. We've been talking about doing things like going on actual dates and cooking for each other. He's decently attractive, taller than me, sweet, cutesy in the way I'm trying to never get caught up in again, into learning even if he didn't go to a great school, and he is easy to talk to. I enjoy having conversations with him and he makes me smile. Oh, and he is arguably very very interested in me--texts everyday and has expressed his desire to "pursue this further" multiple times. 

Doesn't sound like a bad situation to be in, right? So why am I so hesitant? 

When I was telling K about this guy on Monday, I was halfway through my description when he interrupted me and said, "Maya, he is not the one for you." I gave him this look like, Well duh and said, "Yeah I know, but...". He thought that was hilarious, that I was fully aware of that fact but still trying to meet this man for a date on Saturday. And ever since then, either inspired by or unsilenced by this exchange with K, a part of me has been wondering what the fuck I'm doing with this. Am I wasting my time? Or am I arguably just having fun? 

I wasn't looking for any kind of "further-going" when I started this. It's flattering but... how much of this is me liking him and how much is me liking the attention? I am deathly afraid of liking being liked more than liking the person doing the liking. He is not by any standards my "type", though some would argue have argued that the standards one must meet to be my type are too elitist-ly high. I feel like it would be really easy to get into a dating-->dating exclusively-->somewhat like a relationship type thing with him...I just don't actually feel like this is something I necessarily WANT. I don't necessarily strongly NOT want it either. I'm kind of ambivalent. But this is not the place for ambivalence. (Is there ever a place for ambivalence?) As I know all too well, people's emotions and interests and affections and desires are NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH. I don't wanna be triflin'.

I like this. It's fun. I'm enjoying everything that is happening right here and now. Maybe I should for once in my life make an active attempt to stop worrying so much about silly projections I'm making that may or may not have any relation to my life's actual events. Maybe I should "go with the flow". But going with the flow is what recently got me and someone who was once near and dear to my heart into so much trouble. As a result, going with the flow kind of frightens me right now; going with the flow can get people hurt. But only if you go with it past your comfort zone, right? Only if you go with it to places you know you shouldn't/don't want to be? So as long as I don't MIND what's happening, as long as it's putting a smile on my face, can I just chug along? What about the fact that he seems to WANT this so much more than I do? Am I being fair?

Maybe in light of recent events or maybe just in light of being who I am, I am not sure that enjoying something is a justifiable justification for doing it. But why not? Why can't the fact that i think i would enjoy something be reason enough to do it? Girls just wanna have fun. WHAT ARE THESE STUPID MORALS AND WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?!  What separates doing something like this from doing something like my I-suppose-you-must-call-it-a-relationship with J? (A few thoughts: I was using J mostly for physical attention, whereas this guy is entirely emotional crack [for now, at least]; I established an end-date for J before we started, whereas I just have the feeling that this won't last; this guy is 1000 times closer to my "type".)

I have an overwhelming desire to want to do things the right way. I don't believe that all is fair in love and war. I do believe that I could enjoy spending time with this man as much as I enjoy conversing with him, which is a good amount. I do believe in the value of reciprocity and in living my life with integrity, which includes being unselfish in my interpersonal relationships. I don't believe I'm giving as much as I'm getting right now. 

...Then again, we haven't met. Case in point: when I told F I was thinking about ending things with this guy, he replied that things haven't even started. So I guess I'll text him when I get off work. And I guess maybe we'll have ourselves an actual date at some point. And I guess I can make up my mind then? It can't be fair to shut the door in his face when he's only halfway inside, I suppose. I suppose I'll just have to make it very clear that, as excited as he may be, I'm just seeing what this feels like. I suppose I am learning to take chances.             

My best friend asked a guy out on a date

and I just want to take a small moment of time to say how incredibly proud I am of her. I made a small suggestion about something she should do last week, not thinking for a second she'd actually go for it, and she has already surpassed my wildest expectations. This is called grabbing this bull called Life by the horns and making it be your bitch. This is called having control, rather than a passive say. This is called taking a chance. This is called LIVING. I'm so happy for her, regardless of what comes from it, just because she took the initiative and did this.

I feel like I need to catch up, haha.  

The following question was inspired by a random wall post from one of my friends to another one of my friends...

Would you date yourself?

It's an interesting question. Really calls on you to do SERIOUS self-assessment, but from an outsider's perspective instead of an insider's one, and from the particular-outside-viewpoint of potential romantic interest. I don't suppose this will be an easy task...

Would I date myself? I'm not sure. I'm a little crazy, but then again, everyone's a little crazy in their own little way, right? I've got big dreams that I will achieve, lest I die trying, but hopefully we've reached an era of life when ambitious guys can handle a lady having some ambitions of her own. I'm not that pretty in a lot of the stereotypical-impossible-airbrushed-dominant-culture kind of ways, but I do my best to work with what I've got and I think it shows. I'm a big girl, but a big guy needs someone who can take it. I'm not the housewife type, but we're talking about just a little dating. I'm a bit clingy, though, which I can see being an issue, but my clinginess is a byproduct of the fact that I give as much of my heart as I can spare to the people who are important to me. I'm kind of an intense person about a LOT of things, but who wants to be a candle when you have the potential to be a bonfire? I love to snuggle and if you don't I don't want you anyway, XD. I'm not very walk-all-over-able, and I will challenge your ideas and want to have intellectual debates but again, if this is a bad thing in your book, keep right on movin. I drink, and I curse, and I sometimes have problems with authority, and I don't "do the whole religion thing"; there are other lifestyles that simply can't get with those qualities, and I respect that--I probably couldn't be with someone who is super-religious, or someone who categorically does not drink or curse, just like I couldn't be with someone who smokes. I'm not a great dancer, but I will get out on the floor and shake somethin, and according to Lee Ann Womack that's what life is all about, right?

But I think I'm approaching this wrong. The question is not would some rando guy date me, it's would I, knowing everything I know about myself, date me? I, knowing how I am when I'm by myself, knowing that I change my mind all the time, knowing the kind of thoughts that run through my head and the way I approach things like friendships and relationships, knowing my every little bad habit and all the things that piss me the fuck off about other people. And I'm...struggling with this. At first, I am inclined to say no, because I don't really like to be alone with myself. I'm working on it, but have not successfully reached comfort in alone time yet. (Unless this counts; blogging might be my only legitimate hobby. Meditation too, kind of. I want to take up yoga once the new semester starts.) But I love the person I am when I'm spending time with the people I love. I'm an extrovert; my energy and happiness and the warmth in my life mostly comes from my relationships, which I put so much of myself into and expect so much from. Knowing everything I know about myself means knowing my goals and aspirations and knowing the person I'm striving to become as well as I know the person I am, right? I would date the person I'm trying to be. I think that means I'd also like to help me get there...