How I Feel About: The Term "Bougie"

I get called bougie sometimes, or stuck up, or whatever. My little sister was telling me when I was home for Christmas that "I think that just because I go to Princeton, I think I'm better than everybody else." I tried to explain that no, because I go to Princeton, I'm realizing that things I never thought were possible are within reach, and I want other people to have the same epiphany, but I'm getting off topic...

I get called bougie. It used to bother me, but this semester I had a professor (Imani Perry) tell me that no matter how much we (Black Princeton students from humble backgrounds) try to distance ourselves from the Black elite, just by virtue of being here and eventually being in the places being here will bring us, we have become the Black elite. And that kind of rocked my entire worldview.

But even if I don't let professors (even really cool ones I want to be like when I grow up) dictate my life, I have observed that people usually throw around the term bougie (and its synonyms) when they want to address the fact that you're not living like they're living, not in the same mindset or coming from the same place. So that's all I take it to mean, because it's usually true (even if only with regard to the specific context you're dealing with at that moment), and I let whatever insult they were trying to throw at me roll right off.


(In response to this post from Clutch Magazine)

It's National Coming Out Day

and so I've decided to call your attention to a change I recently made to the description up at the top of this thing that very few (if any) of you probably even noticed: I added the only really extant in certain social circles red-squiggly-underlined term "heteroflexible." 

I think I've mentioned my overall disaffection for labels before, but in case you've forgotten, in my humble opinion, people are incredibly complex and sophisticated individuals, and we simply don't lend ourselves to be put into boxes well. As more and more social barriers start to break down, identity is becoming a much more amorphous structure than it has been in the past, and a lot of us have trouble checking little boxes on forms as a result.

Gender is an easy box for me: I am decidedly female if not always decidedly feminine. I check Black/African-American on race-related boxes, because that's how I identify, but sometimes I wonder if I should check multiracial when that's an option, because it's technically the truth, but only in the way that it's the truth for all people who share my historical background. Household income boxes will probably start to confuse me in the near future, because when do I start counting myself as a household of one rather than a member of my mother's household? (I probably should already, given that she doesn't claim me as a dependent on her taxes. Oops.)

Recently, the hardest box for me to check has been Sexual Orientation. The options are generally Straight/Heterosexual, Gay/Lesbian/Homosexual, and Bisexual, though more progressive forms give lots more options (Pansexual, Asexual, Queer, Questioning, Polyamorous, etc.). I feel sort of homeless when presented with only the main three options--none of those really describe quite how I feel regarding sexuality and who I'd be open to having sexytime with. 

A test I took on OkCupid that most likely has little to no scientific bearing told me I have a "straight preference." An ex from high school, who was bi and was the first person to encourage me to really explore my sexual identity, decided I'm "dickly but not strictly." (I still really like that phrase.) The way I see it, at least at this point of my life when I haven't been exposed to anything else, I am interested almost entirely in relationships with men. I'm just also not at all opposed to relations with women. I'm certainly not going to run away screaming from such a prospect were it to arise. I'm not even gonna front, I'm still pretty upset that my almost-threesome never happened (though the spontaneous consolation prize was quite enjoyable), because I was really anticipating the space to test that part of myself out. I'm...open. And I'd like the chance to act on that openness. But that doesn't sound like bisexuality to me; being bi means being equally attracted to men and women to the point where you want to pursue relationships with persons of either gender. As I get more in touch with myself and what I want, there's a chance that could someday describe me, but it doesn't now. 

Basically, I love me some men, but I'm open to experimentation. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm planning to use anyone. K says it just sounds like I'm greedy--though he wasn't that kind--and maybe that's also true. But hey, I like pleasure. I like giving it and receiving it and there's no real way you can make that sound like a bad thing to me.

So, heteroflexible. On forms that have an other, I write this in. On others, I check both Heterosexual and Questioning when possible. If I only get one choice and Queer is an option, I pick that, though I don't think I'm mature enough for a Queer identity yet--it seems so grown. And on particularly conservative forms where I'm only given the first three options, I begrudgingly pick straight because it seems more appropriate than bi...it just also doesn't seem like it fits. A female friend of mine surprised me by agreeing with these same sentiments in a conversation we were having about how exclusionary the word "straight" feels with a straight male friend and a gay male friend at our eating club the other day. It made me wonder how many other people feel they're at fuzzily defined points on the spectrum. 

Reblogged from Black Youth Project

Love you, love who you love, and don't let the type of human someone else loves affect your love for them. That's the whole point of today/this week/life in general, man.