I took an impromptu break from my ever-so-busy social life this weekend

I was supposed to go to a friend's birthday surprise dinner on Saturday, but then a freak tornado in Fairfax and the accompanying rain in DC that had me hiding in my downstairs bathroom (the smallest room in my house, which still has a window) with a blanket, a thermos of water, a box of honey nut cheerios, and my computer, cell phone, and mp3 player charging in case the power went out) convinced me to stay in the house. Day of deep conditioning my hair and watching The L Word on my couch in sweatpants #1. I had long leisurely conversations with EY on Skype and CC on the phone in the middle of the night, during the course of which, in having effectively stopped for a day, I was able to recognize the holes in my life in DC. 

Keeping myself too busy to recognize that I'm unhappy is a tactic I've used before with great (if temporary) success. I'm not sure, however, that I've ever done it unintentionally before...

Okay, unhappy is too strong a word. I am far from unhappy with my life in DC. I love this city. I feel like I'm adjusting well to most parts of adult life. I have a more-than-well-enough-paying job (at which I recently got a "salary adjustment") that I enjoy on both the day-to-day and deeper-purpose levels. I have a core group of people I'm cool enough with at work to eat lunch with, be Facebook friends with, and do some sort of fun thing together once every other week or so with. I don't want to kill my housemates, and even hang out voluntarily with one of them somewhat regularly. I'm getting involved with Princeton alumni stuff (don't even pretend this surprises you). I've been to 10 bars, 9 concerts, 9 restaurants, 5 Meetups, 4 baseball games, 3 museums, 3 movies, 2 barbeques, 2 Jazz in the Gardenses, 1 festival, and 1 cupcake shop. I am unabashedly and undoubtedly having fun. 

...But really all I wanted on Saturday night was someone I could call to come over and watch TV with me. Someone with whom an evening spent together does not require any planned activities. Someone I could touch in little intimate non-sexual ways without needing to ask permission--someone with whom head rubs or massages are welcomed. Someone to snuggle with. Someone to bake cookies with or have an entire night constructed around Disarono sours and conversation. 

I love my work friends, but I don't ever really see developing that sort of easy intimacy I had with my friends from middle school or high school or college with them. I think they will forever be activity partners, which is great, but I need relationships that are deeper than that with people beyond RG (who really does deserve an appreciation day, btw). 

...It turns out I still don't know how to make new friends.    

Courting friends can be just as thrilling and crazy as courting a new lover. You want to spend all your time with them and know their histories, their families, and their friends. You’re getting to know and love a whole new person, which is so exciting! I get butterflies just thinking about the possibility of finding a new close friend! As much as I think I’ve closed up shop on my social life, I also know that one can never have enough friends in this world. I hope to never be too old to go on a friend date.
 

  -- Ryan O'Connell, here

An update on my real-world friendships

Reblogged from Choosing Pancakes

That was me whenever I thought about my post-grad life before graduation and for my first few weeks of living in this city. I was stressed out about how I've never made a friend out of anything but proximity (and forcibly inserting myself into the life of a person whom I think is cool, evidently, which evidently has worked in the past) and I didn't understand how to bridge the gap between meeting people and befriending them. 


...Soooo I'm still making friends out of proximity, haha. This time, proximity being my office. I went to Jazz in the Gardens at the sculpture gardens near the National Archives with some people from work (none of whom I actually knew very well) and met a fellow Princetonian who works in another department! I've gradually been making more and more social visits to my work friends' offices and convincing people that eating alone in their offices when there are literally 300 other hungry people nearby is just silly. This culminated in me hosting a dinner party at my house on Wednesday night. Eight girls from my office--the five that I'm closest to and three that I didn't actually really know, all went to the grocery store with me after work to pick up the ingredients for shrimp fettuccine and cooked and ate and laughed and were merry together. They fawned over my house, too. (Side note: everyone keeps doing that. It makes me really happy.) And afterwards, about half of us went to this little...park is a strong word...more like vacant grassy lot near the office where they show outdoor movies on Wednesday night and watched The Incredibles. One of the girls, whom I hadn't known super well, baked ninja-shaped Incredibles cookies, complete with the red icing and little yellow i's on their chests. It was ADORABLE. 


I am now friends with three of them on Facebook and have one's number. She texted me on Friday night to see if I'd be interested in doing a singles "events and adventures" group with her...uh, duh. So, these developments excite me. 


I've also been hanging out with a decent number of Princetonians: most notably RG, but I've also seen AM once and will see her again Tuesday along with some other 2011s. I went to a concert with DA two weeks ago. I finally saw BK at the Princeton Club of Washington Nationals baseball game event last Sunday, and met/hung out with a Black 2010 guy I hadn't known before (who is unfortunately only in town for the summer). I had dinner with one of my assistant activities chairs from Quad last night (and learned that Ethiopian food is delicious). RP is in town on business for the next few months Mon-Thurs, and I saw her last week and will hopefully see a lot more of her over the next few weeks. MJP was here last week with her program, and when FS was here for the 4th, I saw him, too.


And in all of that hanging out, something has occurred to me: there is something incredibly refreshing about spending time with people who already know you, even if you aren't particularly close. I don't feel like I'm putting on a show for the new friends I'm making in DC or anything--even when I'm socializing with my work friends, I feel like I'm being myself. But still, I am ever in the process of introduction with them, I suppose. It's more stories and backtracking, more "a friend of mine from college" instead of "[name]". It's as if I'm demonstrating who I am and what I'm about, rather than simply living and breathing it like I can with people who already have some established sense of those things. The familiar feeling, combined with the catching up, reminds me that I didn't leave myself behind in all the changes of late. It is wonderful to literally bring the past into the present and watch it still fit. 


(I get to do this to an even higher extent next weekend: TN is coming to stay for two days! This also involves me taking my first paid-time-off day. I feel so fancy. Like, what, I'ma not come to work and you're gonna pay me like I came? What is this awesome world?)


But before you're all, "Omg, Maya, you're living the dream!", I have a confession to make. I'm unsure about the placement of that comma, and my post-college social network is beginning to look a lot like my pre-college social network. For those who aren't familiar with Maya of olde, this means that RG is the only non-White person I'm consistently spending any time with. Also, to the best of my knowledge, everyone I've spent time with is straight. And I don't really know how to remedy either of these issues. My housemates are White, my office is Vanillaville with a spattering of Asian/Indian, and though I know some of the other black recent Princeton grads in the city, RG is the only one I was close to in college. I came to rely on communities of people of color and a collection of individuals who fall outside of normative heterosexual boundaries during my time at Princeton, and I am fiercely adamant that those are not communities that I want to lose. I joined a couple of Meetups for women of color and/or Black women in the DC area and those for LGBT folks in the area, so hopefully some sense of community will come out of that, but from my experience at the Live Soul meetup for Musiq Soulchild, I'm scared that that crowd might be considerably older. So if anyone has any suggestions on that front, I'm all ears. 

I hate small talk.

You've never heard of my hometown and I know nothing about yours. Our majors are like foreign languages to each other. We might have a hobby or an interest in common, but it's probably not going to inspire long in-depth conversation. You will, at best, make me chuckle lightly or do that laugh-like thing where I blow air out of my nose. I will smile at you, but in my head I am giving you major side-eye and wondering how to stop talking to you without seeming rude. The next time I see you, I will give you a high-pitched "Heeyyyy!" and maybe one of those fake hugs where you try to touch the other person as little as possible. Because now you have fallen into my least-favorite of relationship-zones. You are an

acquaintance.

I hate acquaintance-ships. I hate the superficiality and the asking "How have you been" when I don't actually give a shit. I will feign sympathy if something unfortunate has happened, or tell you how awesome x-really-cool-thing-that-happened-to-you is, but...again, I just want to get out of there. It's not really anything you did; I just don't know you well enough to really want to have conversations with you. 

The problem, though, is this is a bit of a cyclical problem. I find acquaintance-ships to be so generally awkward that it's hard for me to put enough time/effort into them for them to blossom into friendships. And it's not that I don't like having friends--I love my friends! They are the most important people in my life, always have been. They put up with all my crazy and I <3 them for it. They're also generally pretty great people. But like, I know that other people out there in the world are also probably pretty great, and that I might like to be friends with them. It's just, this whole making-friends process...

"If I could skip the painful small talk and introductory conversation associated with meeting new people and transition directly to comfortable repartee, I would make that happen. If there was a cerebro-type machine that plugged into your forehead and installed a fundamental understanding of every human being on the planet so I never had to meet another person, could know everyone on earth, could merge with the vast collective human spirit, I would purchase this machine obviously." -- Brad Pike, Thought Catalog 

Getting to know someone is generally something I abhor. Before Princeton, it's not something I ever really had to do. I've gotten a little better at it since being here, but it still just makes me uncomfortable somehow. It's easier in a college environment, I guess, where you're around persons X, Y, and Z so often that you can kind of get to know them without a lot of the introductory awkwardness. But my days in this blissful environment are numbered. And out there is the real world, man, where people just have to move to new places and get to know people. So, like Brad, I am going to suffer through this awkwardness so I don't become a ...plant lady, I suppose (I don't really do cats pets). Soon this, too, will be me:

"In the end, meeting new people will improve my social skills and probably my overall humanity as well though I will hate every moment of it the way Voldemort hates love notes and birthday parties. It will be a harsh painful exercise, but I’ll get through it somehow. I have to get through it. From now on, the only people in my life will be new people." Brad Pike, Thought Catalog 

It's that time of the summer again...

Eeyore mood.

That time when I realize that I spend way more time alone than I'm comfortable with. If my co-worker handles the one person who wanders into the library during our four-hour shift, I don't have to say a word to anyone besides my mom when I call her to say I got home okay and possibly ask for directions on how to cook something. Splitting my awake-time fairly evenly between Princeton and New Brunswick means I don't really have the time to hang out with anyone in either location on a regular basis. Remind me to never work nights again--it's terrible for one's social life. Part of me feels like I should "meet people"...then I begin to wonder how one successfully does that if one doesn't have a seed group to start from. And (rather ironically since I'm a sociologist) social interactions with new people really really intimidate me. But my big empty house in this small anonymous city is starting to feel really lonely. I think this is what I'm most worried about after graduation: the sudden disappearance of a social circle to fall back on. I'm a small intimate circles kind of person; I'm the kind of person that can easily happily devote all of her spare time to one person or a very small group of people. My ideal party has ten friends, a few bottles of alcohol, and some board games rather than a bar/club scene or anything involving a keg. So what do I do in a new place? I miss having people around to just hang out with. I guess that as a person who has shared a bedroom for the majority of her life, then lived in quads Freshman and Sophomore year, and then began spending her every waking moment at Quad Junior year, solitude is something I am neither used to or comfortable with for extended periods of time. 
In somewhat related news, I am craving physical contact sooooo strongly. Y'all know that I'm a very touchy-feely person: in the course of my normal (read: on campus [or previously, in high school]) life, my day is full of small touches in the midst of conversations, hugs and/or arms around shoulders, resting my head on others' shoulders, massages, people playing with my hair, etc. Now, I go days without hugging anyone. I'm the only person who plays with my hair on anything close to a regular basis. I may never get re-used to sleeping alone, but more on that in tomorrow's letter (which will be to my bed(s)). There are certain kinds of intimacy I miss that I can take care of on my own, but Aijuswannasnuggle.

2nd 30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 14--Letter to Your Favorite City

Dear Chicago,

I have to be honest, I was worried about meeting you. Before I left I wondered who I had become, how I could agree to spend so much time with you before I even knew you. I'd had bad experiences with cities before and didn't think I could grow to be that kind of girl. I'll admit it, I used to discriminate against cities; I talked shit about y'all all the time.
And then I met you...and for the first two weeks or so, I hated you. I was scared and I was lonely and I thought all my stereotypes about places like you were coming true. Then I stopped being a little bitch and decided to get out of my comfort zone of home and work, even if that meant exploring by myself, which was a RADICAL concept at the time. 
And a few weeks later, you had totally and completely enchanted me. Suddenly I was using Google Maps to take a series of trains and buses like you were my turf, exploring your countless festivals and street fairs and museums on free days. I went to your parks and swam in your lake--which, btw, totally revolutionized everything I thought of lakes as being--and made a bucket list I didn't come close to finishing. You gave me friendships like I'd never had before, showed me what happens when you play along with random somewhat sketchy guys you meet in public places, taught me to be entirely comfortable with public transportation (who knew you could like standing on the subway? It reminds me of what I imagine surfing would feel like...), gave me my first club experience, got me to experience art, and taught me to be less afraid of the dark. KO told me once about his "DC-face," a serious look he had to put on to ride the train to work in that city, and I guess you inspired something similar in me, Chicago: you taught me to look uncertainty in the face bravely. You taught me to make short-term plans and act on them. You taught me how not to look lost and how to understand North, South, East, and West finally. You taught me to be okay doing things by myself, which is invaluable. You also gave me the second experience of my life in which I was surrounded entirely by strangers and had to make friends. You introduced me to artisan jewelers, Arts Districts, FARMERS MARKETS, and taught me to make earrings and bracelets and to belly dance and to salsa and opened me to the fact that naturals had a real-world community off the internet. You gave me free concerts and strange pizza and Greek, Indian, and African foods for the first time. Oh and brie! You gave me a rich mentor who had a part-time apartment bigger than my house in NJ, along with my first country club experience and a VIP pass to visit the Natural History museum after-hours. You made me stop giving a shit about rain. You introduced me to BLACK schools with black teachers and staff, a concept that blew my mind. You got me to talk to high school kids without feeling totally awkward. You gave me my first real-world work experiences. For the first time in my life, I felt totally independent, and I will always treasure you for that.  You made me feel GROWN.
I can't wait to see you again, Chicago. I was so jealous when KO got to visit you. Perks of living in corn-country, I suppose. We will meet again. Maybe for grad school if I can build up a tolerance for snow...

Affectionately,

Maya

PS: Don't tell New Brunswick, but it just can't compare to you. 
PPS: Oh, how I wish I had been 21 when we were together... 

2nd 30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Nine: Letter to the Last Person You Hugged

Hmm...I'm not sure which of you I hugged first and which I hugged second, so I'll write to both of you, I guess. I'd just met both of you a few hours before and your hugs were within ten seconds of each other, so it seems appropriate.

Dear J and M,


You're both pretty cool guys. I was surprised by how much I meant it when I told you it was great meeting both of you. Usually that's just something you say because it's socially normative, but it actually really was a pleasure meeting both of you--and not just because you bought us shots, M. (Side note: a round is totally on me at some point in the future.)
I feel like our time at Corner on Friday night might well be my first like, overwhelmingly positive being-at-a-bar-with-strangers experience. Hailing from a magical place called the Princeton Quadrangle Club where the liquor flows free (read: is included in the gazillions of dollars Princeton spends for me to be a member), I haven't spent a huge amount of time in bars since I turned 21 in January. In fact, the number of times I'd been out drinking in my entire life more than doubled in the two weeks I was home between Princeton and New Brunswick, making me wonder what I used to do when I was home (ABSOLUTELY NOTHING). 
Anyway, two of my going-out-drinking experiences when I was home included strangers. One was pretty neutral, as the strangers seemed nice enough but had been going for a while by the time my friend F and I joined, and basically left us to our own devices. One of their dad's bought us all a drink, though, so that was nice and canceled out the fact that we were being ignored. The other was like, a pretty good experience with my best friend from forever and some of his new friends, who I'd been dying to meet, but Idk I guess I just didn't click with them as much. We sat down and had dinner and talked and stuff over our drinks, but it still wasn't anything special.
But you guys...J, when you came from across the street, picked T up, and carried her inside the bar, I knew it was going to be a good night. M, when you said J was supposed to meet you two hours before, and you'd had a pitcher and a half to yourself while you were waiting for him, I knew you were going to be fun people to hang out with. J, you made your smartphone's 1001 Cocktails app readily available to satisfy our whims. M, you bought us delicious colorful Kool-Aid flavored vodka and gracefully (lol) lost two games of pool to us girls. J, you wrote T a message in the sand on the shuffleboard table as we struggled to figure out how the game was supposed to work and made her smile. Neither of you made a big deal about the fact that I go to Princeton, like a lot of people I meet do (+2 awesome points), and talking with you guys just seemed easy and natural. There was none of that weird I'm just gonna talk to the person I'm actually friends with like I experienced at other bars-with-strangers outings; I felt really included and like we could all be good friends. 
I'm really looking forward to getting to hang out with you guys again. I feel like Quad would love you, haha. T and/or I must have a party for you both to come to. And M, I'm seriously taking you up on your parent's pool if your offer was serious. 

Here's to a fun summer, guys!

Maya