I very much remember a time when this was an accurate representation of my Ivy League life

Reblogged from Post Secret

And then Quad happened, and all was well.

When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.
 

--Elizabeth Gilbert

 

(via La Bella Vita) 

I swear Ryan O'Connoll lives in my head.

"I just don’t want to wake up one day and feel estranged from everyone. I don’t wake up one day and ask myself where everyone went."

--The man who doesn't know he's my internet BFFL, in this Thought Catalog post

This is one of the things that terrifies me the most about becoming an adult in the real world. My friends have jobs all over the country. Hell, someone really important to me is moving to fucking Thailand. It's hard enough to keep up with my friends on campus who aren't in my eating club--how will I stay in touch with friends who aren't in the same time zone? I can barely manage to coordinate times to eat with people who live on the same campus as me most of the time, and you're expecting me to transition easily into this new world where if I want to see my close friend who just got a great job in Ohio, I'm going to have to get on a PLANE? I don't know how to be ready for this.

Sometimes it seems to me like life is this grand process of gradually getting comfortable with a group of people until you feel like you can be yourself and everything is wonderful and then getting wrenched away from that group and having to start over somewhere else where people don't know you or get your references, then gradually finding and coming to love people there and being wrenched away again. Thinking like this makes me want to be a hermit. But even hypothetical future self-induced hermithood wouldn't keep me from feeling like I'm about to lose the best relationships I've ever had.  

It's that time of the summer again...

Eeyore mood.

That time when I realize that I spend way more time alone than I'm comfortable with. If my co-worker handles the one person who wanders into the library during our four-hour shift, I don't have to say a word to anyone besides my mom when I call her to say I got home okay and possibly ask for directions on how to cook something. Splitting my awake-time fairly evenly between Princeton and New Brunswick means I don't really have the time to hang out with anyone in either location on a regular basis. Remind me to never work nights again--it's terrible for one's social life. Part of me feels like I should "meet people"...then I begin to wonder how one successfully does that if one doesn't have a seed group to start from. And (rather ironically since I'm a sociologist) social interactions with new people really really intimidate me. But my big empty house in this small anonymous city is starting to feel really lonely. I think this is what I'm most worried about after graduation: the sudden disappearance of a social circle to fall back on. I'm a small intimate circles kind of person; I'm the kind of person that can easily happily devote all of her spare time to one person or a very small group of people. My ideal party has ten friends, a few bottles of alcohol, and some board games rather than a bar/club scene or anything involving a keg. So what do I do in a new place? I miss having people around to just hang out with. I guess that as a person who has shared a bedroom for the majority of her life, then lived in quads Freshman and Sophomore year, and then began spending her every waking moment at Quad Junior year, solitude is something I am neither used to or comfortable with for extended periods of time. 
In somewhat related news, I am craving physical contact sooooo strongly. Y'all know that I'm a very touchy-feely person: in the course of my normal (read: on campus [or previously, in high school]) life, my day is full of small touches in the midst of conversations, hugs and/or arms around shoulders, resting my head on others' shoulders, massages, people playing with my hair, etc. Now, I go days without hugging anyone. I'm the only person who plays with my hair on anything close to a regular basis. I may never get re-used to sleeping alone, but more on that in tomorrow's letter (which will be to my bed(s)). There are certain kinds of intimacy I miss that I can take care of on my own, but Aijuswannasnuggle.

Pretty Mama if you're single, single...

So part of me really likes living in a single. I can watch my TV shows out loud on my computer, and don't ever have anyone bugging me to put headphones in when I'm listening to music. It's a major goal of mine to be at least relatively clean this year--so I can invite people over!--but if I slip, there's no one to bug me about my desk being a mess, etc. IF I DON'T FEEL LIKE WEARING PANTS, I DON'T HAVE TO. This space feels definitely MINE, and I've never really had that before, and I think I absolutely love it.

I will admit, however, that it was kind of scary going to sleep last night. I don't know why, because I slept in the apartment by myself in Chicago a few times! But alas, I am unashamed to admit that part of me really wants to get a nightlight. 

A diva nightlight like this:

 

Chicago Bucket List

So I'd been here two weeks and I hadn't gone out to explore the city since my second day when I went with my roommate and her boyfriend to Navy Pier. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my roommate had gone home for the weekend and I had the apartment all to myself on Saturday...which translated into I didn't see another human being for over 24 hours. 

I got to feeling pretty lonely--go figure--and after a great but unexpected pep talk from a friend who's probably going to become a lot closer, I decided to make a Chicago Bucket List: a great big list of awesome shit I want to do while I'm here. I'm determined to do all of it. And I've already basically wasted 20% of my time here, so it's time to kick it into high-gear.

I need to stop being a little bitch about doing things by myself; I'm not going to have much fun if I sit around waiting for someone else to want to have fun with me. New motto: make every day an adventure! 

Here's my list. I'll probably add to it from time to time, and I'll be sure to come back and cross things off as they get accomplished. Feel free to comment and suggest other awesome Chicago things to do!

Chicago Bucket List

1.        Write a poem in the Lincoln Park Conservatory

2.      Go to the Lincoln Park Zoo

3.      Go to the DuSable Museum (free July 3)

4.      Visit the Art Institute (free Thurs. 5-8pm)

5.      Eat deep dish pizza

6.      Sears Tower

7.       Take pictures in the Hot Air Balloon at Navy Peir

8.      “Beach”

9.      Record the Buckingham Fountain Show

10.    Swimming at a pool

11.      Water playground

12.    Attend BGLH meetup June 26

13.    Go to a natural hair salon

14.     Adler planetarium

15.    Shedd Aquarium

16.     Field Museum

17.     Museum of Contemporary Art (Free Tuesdays til 8pm)

18.    Museum of Contemporary Photography (free daily, Thurs til 8pm)

19.    Picnic in Millennium Park

20.  Take cool reflection pictures at the Bean

21.    Eat dinner at at least one soul food restaurant

22.  Take a free dance class

23.  Take a free yoga class

24.  Make a midnight donut run

25.  See at least one concert