30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Thirty: To Your Reflection in the Mirror

Dear That Girl I See Staring Straight Back at Me,

Yup I stole that from Mulan. So sexist, but one of my favorite Disney movies. (Sn: I love almost all Disney movies. Except the Toy Story series...not really the biggest fan. Didn't even see TS3.) 
Hmm, my reflection in the mirror. I don't see you as often as I used to, especially since I've come home. I guess I only really see you when I'm trying to make [so-called] improvements to you, like doing my makeup or plucking my eyebrows, and these things seem incredibly less important when I'm back in the house I grew up in, with the people who've known me since before I knew what mascara was. Or before I leave the house if I'm going somewhere I'll see people; but the only place I've seriously been with people since I've been home is the beach, which is rather obviously dress-down, haha. 
It's kind of ironic, because in the past I've had people mock me for how much time I could spend looking at you. Does this mean we've grown apart, or closer together? Have I just stopped caring about you? Are you me, or just a manifestation of who I try to appear to be? If I stop looking at you, am I trying to just be? 
I'm sure our relationship will pick back up once the school year starts. Hmm...that kind of pokes holes in my claim that I try to look good for myself, huh? I guess it really is for all of them. Meh, *hates that she cares so much what other people think of you*. Damn superficiality. 


-Me


PS -- I don't tell you this enough, but I love you, you sexay thang ;)

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart, and what I believe in. But somehow, I will show the world what's inside my heart, and be loved for who I am.

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Nine: To Someone you wish you could tell everything to, but are too afraid to

Dear Person I'm Sick of Writing to,

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WRITING TO YOU AGAIN. UGH. 

I wish I could have told you how I felt as I was feeling it. When I had the chance, I was too scared. I became emboldened by your absence, but the whole other side of the world thing made telling you not really a possibility. Now I'm pretty sure whatever we started has ended without really getting off the ground, and this upsets me slightly. I had a lot of chances I could have taken, I should have taken, and while part of me wants to kick myself repeatedly, part of me says hey...so did you.

Time to just say oh well? 

Maya

 

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Eight: To Someone that Changed Your Life

Dear everyone I have ever interacted with,

I firmly believe in the philosophy of tabula rasa, that we are all born as blank slates, to be written on by those we meet, those we know, those we love and those we hate...even by those to whom we never gave a second thought. Every thought we think is influenced by those we have come into contact with, personally or academically, real or imagined; it's really hard to have an originally original thought in this day and age.

Anyway, I like to say funny phrases like color-me-happy and I'm living in a heavily outlined world. I like to think that all of you take turns coloring my world in.

Thanks for making me who I am. I owe you all my very life as I know it. Blessed be.

-Maya

Go ahead, grab a pen. There's space left there somewhere, promise.

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Seven: To the friendliest person you knew for only a day

If you told me your name then, I've forgotten it, but this letter is to you anyway,

You took one look at me and knew I didn't belong anywhere near the 47th Street Green Line stop. You were nice enough to not come right out and say it, though. I think you asked what time it was. I was reading, the same book I just finished, I think, (confession: I believe that, subconsciously, I only read that book because the narrator sounded just like *******. I think it's the whole learned-English-in-Kenya thing; their sentence structure is almost identical in its roundabout elegance.) and I recall being slightly perturbed that you kept talking to me. (Sorry.) You asked if I was waiting for a train, and I told you I'd just gotten off one; I was waiting for a friend. You were waiting rather impatiently for another train; you'd been waiting for a long time already. You made me aware of how much time I spent in Chicago waiting; writing this now, I think about how much of our lives we spent waiting. (This is totally unrelated, by my new favorite random fact is that, according to a Dentyne Ice commercial, the average person will spend 20,000 minutes of their life kissing.) You laughed at how long I thought the trip would take, because the Green Line is 'real fast', but warned that it would take longer if my friend was coming from farther north than Roosevelt. You asked where we were going, and marveled at the nice area our barbeque was being held in. You let me know where the bus stop we'd need to get on was, and about how far we had to go. I wouldn't normally talk to someone sitting near me at a train station, but you were relentless in leading this conversation, and until your train finally came, you were really great company. It was also pretty reassuring knowing exactly where I was going once I left the station, and I think my friend was impressed. You even told me to be careful and to have fun when you were getting on your train, and it wasn't condescending at all because I'm pretty sure you were a few years younger than me...just a LOT more street smart. 


Anyway, I never said thanks. :)


Maya

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Six: To the person you're most inspired to meet

Dear ******,

It's funny how for this entire challenge I've had no idea who I would write this letter to, and you popped up into my life yesterday and I instantly knew this would be to you.
I had incredibly low expectations for this dating site thing. I really just did it out of boredom and my desire for a distraction from the mess that is my life, lol. Oh and because it was painful watching ***** try to find matches for me based off her profile, because even OKC only gives us a 77% friend rating, XD.
And my low expectations were pretty much confirmed when I searched within 25 miles of my hometown in the middle of nowhere New Jersey...nobody even remotely interesting. It didn't get much better when I searched within 25 miles of campus. I was going to call it quits, but some little part of me wanted to see what I was missing countrywide, so I expanded my search to 'anywhere' just for the hell of it. And that's how I found you.
After spending about 30 seconds on your profile, I realized I liked you more than any of the guys I'd spent the last two days looking at, and unlike most guys, the more I looked, the more I liked! You're really into grammar like me and I'm sure you'd love to play Scrabble. You're slightly taller than me, and a musician, and were an English major. We listen to a lot of the same kind of music, and there aren't many black (okay even half-black) guys I know who'd admit to loving Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Even fewer would write 'hold me' in cursive on their palm and hold it up for the world to see. (Even before I saw that, I wanted to hold you. That just multiplied my urge x infinity.)
Realizing that you were from Ohio and I'd most likely never get to meet you was so 
upsetting. It was like someone was dangling something wonderful in front of me and then snatching it away when I tried to grab at it. Before I left your page, I had to send you a message telling you how amazing I thought you were. It was an actual compulsion. If nothing else, it would be a nice ego boost for you, and who doesn't like a shot of self-esteem in the morning? So I messaged you, and told you that I thought you were adorable and I hoped my message would make you smile.
You didn't think I was creepy (thankfully) and messaged me back, saying it did make you smile, and that while Ohio was pretty far away, Philadelphia wasn't, and that's where you and your band would be playing a gig on Friday.   

*worldstop*

I told the friend who convinced me to sign up for OKC about you, and she all but screamed MAYA, THIS IS THE BIGGEST AND BEST SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE YOU CAN EVER EXPECT TO GET. I don't really know if I even believe in signs from the universe, but if I did, I couldn't deny that this is one. And either way, I can't deny that I'm more into you than any other guy in my life, real or virtual. But alas, I don't drive, and none of my friends are willing to take me to your show. I'm not comfortable enough in Philadelphia to take the bus/train there and back by myself on a Friday night, even after having just spent 10 weeks in Chicago. Grr universe for sending me signs and then making them impossible to follow. If anything changes, I'll let you know that I'm coming. I want to come. I wish I could come. I wish I could sit in the front row and that you'd look into my eyes the whole time you were playing, and we could walk around the city holding hands til the wee hours of the morning, maybe finding a park bench or somewhere to cuddle for a little while. 

But then the night would have to end and I'd have to lose you. Maybe it's better to have never had you at all? Either way, my poor heart is so disappointed by life right now. 

If only...

Maya<3 

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Five: To the person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear Mommy,

I know things are rough financially right now, rougher than we've probably ever experienced. I wish I could be doing more to help. I want you to know, though, that I'm really proud of you for not showing how hard it is. I don't know how you do it, but I can't see any cracks on the surface when I look at you, even though I KNOW they must be running all the way through.

We're gonna make it. I know we will. Can't nobody touch this.


I love you.


Maya

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Four: To the Person who Gave you Your Favorite Memory

Dear --,

I have been thinking about this all day, and I have decided that this letter is utterly impossible to write. I could tell you my favorite memory about each person in my life (though even that would take serious thought), but I cannot and will not rank them between my loves. 

Thank you and goodnight,

Maya

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Three: To the Last Person You Kissed

Dear *******,

Confession: I was on a half-hearted mission to kiss someone else before today, because I really didn't want to have to write to you again. It obviously failed, which isn't that surprisingly cuz it had been a damn long time before you.

Maybe this is just the next stage of my crazy overemotionality, but now I keep telling myself I just want to be over you. I hate not being able to say I'm over it. I hate this standstill we've been in. I was kind of expecting it, but I was expecting you to be at a standstill with everyone. So seeing you communicate with our friends and never so much as nod at me, it hurts. And while I can't ask you what happened to make everything change, I just blame myself. And that sucks. So I want to be rid of you.
But even as I type those words I know they're not really true. I just want to think about what happened as a past with a possibility, not as anything that guarantees a future. I'm just not really sure how to do that. I swear I'm trying, though. God, I even signed up for this dumb online dating site to try to find myself something to distract me from you while I'm laying around for the next five weeks.
I used to get all these great signals from you, and it made me feel so good. You made me feel so good. But now I don't get ANY signals from you, no communication whatsoever, and dammit I wanna know why. Maybe this is selfish, but I feel like I deserve that. If it's my fault I can handle that...I just don't want to let this go without at least talking about it. Can we agree to that? Please?


-My

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-Two: To Someone You Want to Give a Second Chance to

Dear ****,


I still don't really know what happened last year. I'm sorry for my punk-ass way of trying (and subsequently run away from succeeding) at addressing it. I hate the way we half-smile and wave like we're cool but we're not. 
I think you're a cool guy. I liked when we were friends. I was loopy and hopeful and over-the-top last year (I tend to do that), but I'm totally over that now, promise. I kind of miss hanging out with you though.
Today was your birthday. I almost didn't write on your Wall, because I'm always unsure about initiating interactions with you. But then I manned up and did it, and I'm glad I did because you wrote back to me rather nicely, like nothing was weird. It made me smile.
So I don't usually give second chances. But I guess I want to give you one. Or, maybe you to give me one. Or us to give each other second chances. Just to be friends again. Or at least friendly. :]


Maya

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty-One: To someone you judged by their first impression

Dear ****,

When I first saw you, I thought you were going to be an artsy grad student poet who comes to the park near the museum to get away from it all and focus on your work. In short, I thought you were going to be exactly the kind of guy I'd love to stumble across on a solo venture in the city. 
But I was disappointed from the very beginning: "poem" turned out to be "gangsta gospel rap". Park turned out to just be convenient because you work at the museum, and are not going to school. You're 27 and I don't think you even went to undergrad."Artsy" could very very liberally be used to describe you, but it's definitely not a word I'd choose. 
I thought you were going to be a wonderful discovery. You were actually just an ego boost, and I was glad to eventually be rid of you. 
Haha, it's a good thing I never trust first impressions.

-Maya 

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twenty: To the person who broke your heart the hardest

Dear *****,

They say the first one is always the worst, right? No one understood how I could be so crushed after a week-long relationship, but our relationship wasn't really like that, was it? I've known you since the day you were born, and we [pretend] started a family of our own in kindergarten. And now, now I had to work up the courage to text you to wish you a happy birthday this year. Sometimes life fucking sucks.

And I knew that. I've known that for most of my life. I just never expected you to be one of the reasons it sucked. I expected you to never let ******* play Daddy. I expected you to write silly rap songs for me. I expected you to keep all those old home videos. I expected you to be the first person to really hold me. I expected that the feeling of your arm around my waist would become ordinary. Hell, after we were too old to take baths together anymore, I expected that a day would come when I'd see you naked again. But sometimes life falls short of our expectations, right?

Like after you raised me higher than I've ever been on a bridge of air, then made me look down and watched me fall, you expected that three years later I'd still be hanging there, waiting for you. You expected me to open my arms and take you back into my life as willingly as I did all the other times we were apart. Granted, you expected me to be angry...if I recall, you said the next time I saw you you'd spread your legs and give me a fair shot, because you know you deserve it. But you had all these expectations of being able to walk right back into that soft spot in my heart like nothing had ever happened.


And though it nearly killed me to do it, I didn't let you. I was stronger than that. I cried for days about it afterward, but eh, that was nothing compared to what I was when you destroyed me. Because that's what you did. I'm still not sure you realize that. And looking back now, I think you're the reason I pushed all my friends away, and you're probably the reason for *. If I couldn't trust you, then I couldn't trust anyone, and I could only be involved with someone I knew I couldn't love, because my heart hadn't figured out how to put itself back together again. So I said no, we couldn't try again. I said you had your chance, and you fucked it up, and that was on you. I said, however, that I missed you and wanted us to stay in contact, be friends, and you agreed.


I suppose it was silly of me to believe you. I suppose it's silly of me to have any expectations of you at all anymore, because though you were the first person who ever really knew me, we're strangers to one another now. Strangers with a long and sordid history, but strangers nonetheless. I suppose it's silly of me to want that to change. I've changed too much, and you'd probably have to, unless you have too. I'd settle for something as simple as you showing up on my News Feed on Facebook every once in a while; it seems somehow unfair not to know you.


If nothing else ever changes, I want you to know that I finally un-Humpty-Dumpty'd my heart, and while it sometimes still hurts to think about you, and it sometimes still pisses me off, I'm ready to try again...just not with you.

-The one you let get away, you silly silly boy
 

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Nineteen: To The Person that Pesters Your Mind, Good or Bad

Dear *******,

You have the honor of being the first person I've written to twice. :]

So "pestering my mind", huh? What an unusual way to phrase what that's referring to. It kind of reminds me of you, haha. You're always saying things in ways that are unusual and thus strikingly beautiful. The poet in me wants to just hang on to every word you say. (Lucky for it, I already kind of do.)

You're actually pestering me much less recently. I think I've really begun to be able to control it. If I want to think about you then I can go off on crazy la-la color-me-happy heart-dreaming sappy tangents, but I can pretty effectively shut you out too. Which I only want to do now because you being so far away and not-easily-communicated with makes me just live in memories and not focus on the present. And hey my life is pretty good right now so I'd like to be able to successfully live it...sorry that that means putting you on pause for a little while though.

But when I do let the tangents happen, these are the kind of thoughts that pester me. I am wiling to take this risk for you, and that's saying a lot because I would usually rather just ponder from afar and keep my poor little heart out of harm's way. The way you think intrigues me. I want to know more about where you're from and what it's like there. I just want to know more about you. I want to have more nights like the first half of that night, when we just have a bit to drink and sit and talk about our lives and our thoughts and our dreams. I wanna have more nights like the second half of that night too. ;] Nobody's ever held me the way you hold me before, and I want more of it. You make me feel beautiful. I hope I make you feel some kind of way too. Sometimes I hear freaking love songs and think about you, and part of me wants to gag but part of me just wants to sing. Besides this disappearing off the face of the earth thing, you do almost everything right. That scares me, but in a good way. 

etc. etc. etc.

 Way back when I thought I kind of liked you for the very first time last year, a friend of mine warned me that you take these kinds of things really slow. I know now that that was basically the understatement of the century. We're opposites in a lot of ways, and one of them is that I'm not a patient person under any circumstances (it's something I'm working on), and thus this ambling drunk depressed turtle rate at which this has been moving for the past year is KILLING me. I think you realize by now that I will be receptive to whatever moves you make, and I'm hoping this will cause you to be less tentative in the future. But I've got a back up plan: I will put the moves on you by week 2, that's a promise!

I miss you and I hope you're having an amazing time at home,

Maya 

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Eighteen: To the Person You Wish You Could Be

Dear Maya of My Dreams,

You're actually seriously confident, instead of this fake bravado shell confidence you put forth now. You are no longer ashamed of things that shouldn't shame you. You can take a compliment. You will also be able to take criticism well. You're more open-minded, but haven't lost any of your beliefs. You meditate as often as you want to. You aren't afraid to admit that rock/alternative is probably your favorite music genre, despite the color of your skin. You now what you want, and then make plans and action steps to get it. You're strong without being a rock. You're smart without being reserved. You're spontaneous without being stupid. You choose wisely and love freely and live well. You spend less time on makeup and hair removal and appreciate your natural beauty. On that note, you accept that you are naturally beautiful. You accept and embrace your past, treasuring it because it made you who you are, and you will also be able to let the past go and realize that most of the things that happened then do not matter anymore. You find ways to compromise with other people without compromising yourself. You find a way to make each day an adventure, and a success. You respect yourself in your every thought and action. You know when to care what other people think and when to just do your own thing. You don't get nervous when you're speaking in public, and can remain outwardly calm in stressful situations. You don't feel like such a freak for not wanting the things most people want. You don't analyze your life so much. You're comfortable with your body. You have the most awesome jewelry organizer ever. You can make anywhere you go be fun, even if it's boring old ML. You still have the best best friends in the whole orld. You're better at keeping in touch with people. You try new things even if they scare you. You don't worry so much about everything. You're less of a perfectionist and less of a procrastinator. You're an optimist. You remember to send cards to people on their birthdays. You have a savings account with money in it...preferably more money than is in your checking account. You've gotten back in touch with your artistic side, preferably in the form of paint and/or clay. You make music again on a semi-regular basis. You are happy. You are loved, and you love in return. You've stopped setting such unrealistic impossibly high standards for everything. You know how to really relax. You are patient. You are tolerant. You come to terms with how you feel about spirituality. You have concrete goals. You're independent without seeming like you don't need anybody else, you are fierce without seeming angry. Hell, maybe you're even a little playfully dangerous. Your head and your heart are no longer at war. You've stopped biting your nails. 

You're generally an awesome person, and I'm striving to become more like you every day.

<3,

The imperfect (but still hopefully kind of cool) Maya of today

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Seventeen: To Someone from your Childhood

Dear ********,

You fbchatted me today just to say hey, and I took that as a sign from the universe that I should write today's letter to you. As my best friend in 2nd and 3rd grade who just mysteriously disappeared off the face of the earth one day, you totally count as someone from my childhood. It's funny, I think about you a lot when I'm at school, because my eating club (don't ask) has a moose as its mascot, and the clearest thing in my memory of you is your love for moose. I think that's what inspired me to see if I could find you on facebook, and seeing as how you were friends with ******, that wasn't very hard to do at all. 
You're another one of the people I was thinking about during my recent reflection on friendships and growing up in general. When we were 7 or 8, me climbing up into that tree and hanging out over Harding Highway to talk to you while you sat in your bedroom windowseat was the most important thing ever. Going across the street to jump on your trampoline was a close second. But then I moved to Pleasantville (shh don't tell Hess School) and one day you weren't at school anymore. Somehow I eventually learned that you'd moved to New York and hadn't told me you were leaving, and that was the last I ever saw or heard of you until my random facebook wanderings.
But now that I've found you it's kind of weird. You're in New Mexico now and I think you're a lesbian and you work some sort of normal job and you don't go to school and as much as I hate to say this, I feel like you're going to go from being a person I haven't talked to to being a person I can't talk to, which is going to be sad. We don't have anything in common anymore, besides fuzzy memories of American Girl dolls and asparagus. Sadface. I do enjoy being updated on your life via facebook, though, so let's stay friends, k? Even if that's the only way we keep in touch.


Best,


Maya

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Sixteen: To Someone Who's Not in Your State/Country

Dear *****,

Sometime between August 7th and whenever you go back to school, you should come to Jerseyyyy. I miss you! You're one of the people I was thinking about when I was musing on how growing up treats friendships unfairly the other day. It sucks how when you're 13, a few hours away might as well be the freaking moon, haha. 


But it doesn't have to be now that we're 20! And by we I obviously mean the other two points of our love triangle and not our cute little baby, hehe. But we still love you :D 


And because we love you me and point three need to make a superawesome plan to come crash Nova! My weekends should be freer --that's a weird word--more free this semester! Let's have another awesome theme party like argghhhh pirates.


ALSO, most important: why do we never ever chat?? I know nothing about your life and this makes me sadddddddd.

A present for you:

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Fifteen: To the Person You Miss the Most

Dear Person I Miss the Most,


I'm having issues writing this letter. I'm slightly confused as to whether or not this is a good thing, but I'm not exactly sure who you are. There are many moments when I strongly miss someone in that moment, such as when I'm at the beach or when I'm having an India party or when I did that double-take on the train last week. But like, an overall pining over someone that I miss above everyone else?? No one is really standing out to me. It's not the silly boy; I'm still convinced that I've successfully moved him to the back burner of my life for the time being, despite what the best friend says. It's not the best friend, I'm pretty used to our relationship being primarily digital. Sometimes it's my mommy but only for a moment.
Last summer I would have had issues writing this letter as well, but for totally different reasons. I'd have missed so many people so much that it would be hard to choose who to write to. Besides another year's worth of life lessons and maturity, I guess the obvious difference is Chicago. My life is just so FULL here; it's sometimes hard to even remember the things I miss unless I really try to focus on them. A dull day in this city has to be, like, an active decision, haha.Instead of just distracting myself with things to fill the days, here I can actively plan a new adventure each day and feel satisfied at night after my exploration. It's a pretty fulfilling way of life; I'm going to miss it.
So I don't know who it is right now, but in a few weeks the person I miss most will probably be the independent-city-explorer-fulfilled-curious-free-to-be-herself person I have been here. Home will squish her like a bug. *sigh*


-My

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Fourteen: To Someone You've Drifted Away From

Dear *******,

Confession #1: If I'd just met you recently, I wouldn't be your friend. In fact, I think part of me would scoff at the idea of us being friends, because when it comes to the things that shouldn't be important but totally are, you're totally not on my level.

 But lucky (?) for us, I didn't just meet you recently. I met you what seems like a zillion years ago on the new playground at our elementary school, and truth be told, I didn't pay much attention to you then. A few years later a giant hole was ripped out of my life, and you stepped in to fill it. The rest is, as they say, history. 

I've been saying this for years, but sometimes I really doubt that history is enough to push us through. I know it's supposed to be Breakfast at Tiffany's and we only need that one thing, but I...need to feel like there's a reason we're a "we" now, besides the fact that we have been for the last 8 years or so.

When I first started feeling this way, we used to fight all the time. And I hate us fighting; it's like you're so huge and critical a part of my life and my memory that when something is wrong with "us", little pieces of my whole world come crashing down around me and everything is a bit shakier. I know it's not like that for you, and it never has been. I can accept that. We don't fight as much now anymore, and when we do, it's less vocal and full of cursing each other out and other terribleness. Now we'll just go a few days without talking to one another until one of us assumes we have both cooled down enough to apologize without fully meaning it and keep on keepin on. 

Confession #2: Sometimes I really miss those loud violent fights, because they at least showed that we still cared. Sometimes I feel like this new way is like it's not even important enough to waste the energy, which frightens me.

Confession #3: Do you ever feel like we're faking it? Like we're trying to make ourselves fit into roles we've outgrown and pasts that have grown fuzzy and misshapen? 

We don't do the things we used to do anymore. I can't believe we used to talk on the phone for hours every single day and now I can't even remember the last time I called you. But on the flipside, you used to almost never come over and now I joke about getting you a key to the house. So maybe this is just the natural next step to our relationship. We gain ground some places, and lose ground in other places...maybe it balances itself out. I still love you with as much of my heart as I can spare, and I'm going to keep telling the little voice in the back of my head that sometimes wonders do we even like each other anymore? to  because you're always going to have that place in my heart, okay?

There are things I hate about this place we're in now. I hate that I don't know any of your other friends anymore. I realize it's just because of the way our lives are organized now, but it sometimes kind of makes me feel like the significant other you don't want anyone to know about. I hate that I feel like you're growing up so much faster than me now. I think I did my growing up faster before we knew each other. I hate that there are silences in our conversations both online and in-person, and I find myself wondering if they're comfortable or not. I hate that voice in the back of my head that questions us, and I want to convince it that it doesn't need to. 

Help me out by taking me on an adventure, k? Help me by really being you around me, and I'll really be me around you, and we'll find a new kind of friends to be, since we're not the people we were when we were BFFs.

I love you and I miss you and I'll see you when we both get back to Jersey,

Maya

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Thirteen: To Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

Dear Me,

You do realize that you can't be perfect, right? Like, despite the crazy expectations people have had for you over the years, it's actually not possible. Impossible is nothing is a great motto until you keel over and die at 45 from all the stress and lack of happiness in your life. I really need you to stop treating every slight mishap as a total failure, and regarding yourself the same because of it. You don't always have to be the best, or the one on top, or the one who gets the credit for doing whatever. You don't always have to be in charge. It's okay to not always have an S on your chest...you're a strong woman, and a sensual woman, and a sassy woman, and a smart woman, but you don't have to be a superwoman. You really don't. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. It's okay to not know the answers to certain questions. It's okay to not always be smiling and happy. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to feel like you're in over your head. If running this conference for the past week has taught you anything about superstrength, it's that it's the most exhausting thing in the world, and it WILL wear you down. Regular strength and savvy can come in and save the day though, as long as you keep pushing through. Ask for help when you need it. Stop trying to take on the whole world with one hand tied behind your back; you'll lose your balance. Accept the fact that you are and have to be human, and accept it with poise and grace. It's not really something you should have to forgive, but forgive yourself for needing to eat and sleep and breathe and take care of yourself. These things are more important than leaping tall buildings in a single bound...

Just looking out for the both of us,

Maya

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Twelve: The person you hate most

Dear ******,

As a general rule in life, I try not to hate people. I feel like it's bad for the soul. I try to see the good in people, to remember that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, etc.
I make an exception for you.
The last time I cursed someone out in these letters, I was being sarcastic. Let me make it very clear that I'm not in any way joking when I say you're a trifling piece of fucking shit, and if I never see you again, it's too fucking soon.
I hope you know your daughter hates you too. She finally saw through that mask you show them to see you for who you really are, and I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't ashamed to call herself your blood. I know I sure as hell would be.
You know, me and my mom could have had a good life. Sure we were kind of struggling when you met us, but we would have made it. We're strong like that. But no, you had to come sweet talk your way into her life, and go and get her fucking pregnant, and then offer to marry her like an idiot. And her, the single woman living with her sister with one kid and about to become the mother of another, what choice did she really have? I was too young to remember your wedding day, but I guess you don't remember either, because you certainly didn't honor those vows you made. 
You left her a week after your son was born. Your son that she named after you. What the fuck kind of human being does that? What kind of man can live with himself after doing that? Evidently you can, because you came crawling back to her with your tail between your legs, and now the mother of two of your children and not having a college degree, she [thought she] needed you to survive.
Then you yelled and screamed at us all the time, and beat us kids mercilessly with belts and physically fought with my mother every time the two of you got into an argument. God, it happened so often that when I was growing up, that's what I thought was normal. 
Then you left us again when I was 10. If I was ten, your children were four and five. But I mean, you were used to walking out on your family; this wasn't the first time you'd done it--or the first wife and kid you'd left. I'm sure you don't know that I was awake that whole night, listening to the two of you. You threw the fucking TV at her head. I still believed in God then, and I thanked Him for giving her the wisdom to duck. I'll never forget the sound of the glass shattering as it broke the window, or as the tv smashed to the ground outside. You slammed down the stairs and out the door, and once all was quiet I finally got up to go to the bathroom. She asked who it was and I said it was me, and I called out, "Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy," (I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME CALL YOU THAT. YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER. I HAVE A WONDERFUL FATHER WHO TRIED TO BE AS BIG A PART OF MY LIFE AS HE COULD, BUT YOU DIDN'T LIKE HAVING HIM AROUND, AND YOU DIDN'T LIKE SEEING THAT YOU'D NEVER MEAN AS MUCH TO ME AS HE DID, AND YOU MADE ME CALL HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME. FOR THAT, MORE THAN EVERYTHING ELSE, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.) and she said "Daddy's gone, and he's never coming back."
I don't think she remembers that. The next morning as I was getting the kids ready for preschool I smelled something burning downstairs. I rushed down and found her curled up in that pink bathrobe on the kitchen floor, spatula in hand, sobbing. I'd never really seen her cry before. The eggs were on the stove, burning. To this day I still won't eat eggs, because they remind me of this moment. I told the kids to go back to sleep, and called the school using my best grown-up voice to excuse us for the day. And then I sat down Indian-style next to her and rubbed her back and let her cry. And she talked to me. She told me all her plans to get us out of this bad neighborhood and out of this whole mess and into a new life. And she scraped and saved and bought us a new house and finished school and got a teaching job and I was SO IMMENSELY PROUD OF HER. 
And then you did the second thing I will never forgive you for. You made me hate my mother. You made me hate her, because after all her big strong talk and everything she did, you came back from fucking that other woman and wanted another chance, and despite all the promises she'd made me that day on the kitchen floor, she took you back. I had been free and fatherless and almost happy, but then you were back and in control of my life all over again.
But I can forgive the stress. I can forgive the unrealistic expectations. I can almost forgive the welts and the bruises. If I reached deep down, I might even be able to forgive grounding me for 3 months over a pair of damn sneakers. What I cannot forgive is that you had the gall to leave again. To cheat on her again. And then to move to Georgia and promise your small children that you would come see them for Christmas or for their birthday, and to unfailingly call the night before to say something came up and you were sorry. I can't forgive having to hold them while they cried and promise them that you still loved them, when I couldn't even believe that you were capable of love.
I can't forgive the fact that you basically abandoned them for your new family and the wishes of your new wife.
I hate you. Not even for what you did to me, as fucked up as all of that was. Not even for what you did to my mother, though she deserved none of it. I hate you because I watch what you did to your children get worse and worse every day. I hate you because now my sister has to know what it is to hate her father. I hate you because you brought a brother into my life and took him away.
I hate you because I owe you this broken little life I lead. Without you, there would be no brother and sister. There would be no Mays Landing. We would have headed to Savannah with Deece if it weren't for you. There would be no everything I've ever known without you, and I hate you for that. I hate you because I owe you my very life.


Maya

PS I hate that this letter is making me cry, because you're not fucking worth my tears, goddammit.

30 Day Letter Challenge--Day Eleven: To a Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk to

Dear my father's mother,

I don't even know if I deserve to call myself your granddaughter, because I don't know even know your name. I want to say it's Ruth, but sometimes I think it's Rose. You'd passed before I was born, the victim of some terrible disease, if I remember correctly...I don't know if I get to call myself your granddaughter at all. 
But if you'll let me, I think I'd like to.
Daddy used to say you'd like me if you'd ever gotten a chance to know me. I don't know much about you, besides that you were the one who put literature so squarely into his life, causing him to put it so squarely into mine. I thank you for that. A few days ago I thanked Maya for inspiring me; I must thank you for inspiring him. I wonder if you were a writer too. I should ask him. We don't talk about you much.
Maybe this is weird, but sometimes I like to think we're kind of similar. I imagine that you're the one who would make me feel like less of an outsider in this family. I imagine we could have read aloud together over cups of tea. I know you shared my love of butterflies. He used to catch them for me and tell me about you. I also know that you had more patience than me, because a) you were able to live with him for 18 years (I'm only slightly joking), and b) you used to knit. He's jealous of my mom's new boyfriend, and is trying to one-up him by sending me an afghan you knitted before he can get me an NJPD blanket. 
He loves you. Probably more than he ever loved any other woman (except maybe me. That makes me feel bad.). I wanted you to know that. 
If there's something after this and you're somewhere watching over him, make sure he takes care of himself, okay? He's all of you I've got.

 Your granddaughter, if you'll have me,

Maya