May is evidently National Masturbation Month.

Sooooo...an infographic.

Two things I've read recently on come correct have me thinking about female sexual discovery.

I will quote them for you in full.

1. "Nobody told me I had a clitoris. Nobody told me I was capable of having orgasms. For five years I was given 'sex education.' It mostly consisted of periods and condoms. It didn't talk about consent. It didn't talk about the actual mechanics of sex, about arousal and lubrication and oscillation. It didn't tell me a single thing about relationships and it didn't tell me I had a clitoris. I only know now because of the internet. Nobody entrusted with my care and education has ever told me that the female orgasm exists, or about the parts of my anatomy necessary for it. I didn't find my clitoris until I was eighteen, after six years of active sexuality. That made me angry."

-- (Source) (via)

2. "Although most boys figure out how to bring themselves to orgasm by age thirteen, half of girls don’t have their first orgasms until their late teens, twenties, or beyond. Teenage girls widely agree that they get the message loud and clear that masturbation is something boys do, but girls don’t, can’t, or shouldn’t. The cultural focus on intercourse tells young women to expect they’ll begin to experience sexual pleasure once they have sex with a man (whether or not they’re even interested in sex with men). Nearly all teen boys, on the other hand, experience sexual pleasure long before they get their hands—or other body parts—into a partner’s pants. Despite the massive advances in women’s equality, young women’s sexuality is stuck in a surprising paradox. Young women are sold provocative clothes but aren’t taught where to find their own clitoris. Many girls give their boyfriends oral sex, but are too uncomfortable with their own bodies to allow the guys to return the favor. It’s still a radical act to say that women need and deserve access to information about their own sexual pleasure—not just about the risks and negative consequences of sex."

-- Dorian Solot, I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. (via)

Let me begin by stating that I do not, in any way, want to belittle or invalidate the experiences of the first woman, and/or women who can identify with that story, or those of the young women describe in the second passage. Secondly, I am all kinds of entirely in support of revamping the sex education system in this country to like, actually be somewhat useful in people's lives. While it was not really my experience at all, I recognize that we live in a culture that denigrates or, at best, avoids the topic of female masturbation, and if you know anything about me, you know that this pisses me off. 

All of that being said, I just...fundamentally don't understand how one can get to adulthood (or near-adulthood) without knowing one's own anatomy. Yeah, okay, maybe you don't know the WORDS for what each body part is called, because sex education sucks in this country, but I guess I'm just struggling with the concept of needing to be "taught" that one has a clitoris. I don't remember when I learned the word clitoris. It was probably in high school. But I've known that touching/rubbing a particular spot down there feels ah-ma-zing since I was about 8 years old. I think I discovered it accidentally when I was taking a bath or going to the bathroom or something, but I had already been exploring my body. I very distinctly remember my stepbrother, who is a few months younger than me, once making the argument when we were small children that girls pee out of their butts, and while I knew that wasn't true and explained that there was another hole. Very soon after this conversation, I decided that I wanted to know more of what it looked like, so that I could better debunk my silly brother's arguments, so at the next opportunity of a full length mirror (in my aunt's room at my grandmother's house), I dropped my pants, bent all the way over, and looked at myself upside down with my head between my legs. 

I don't remember my first orgasm, but I know that it was most likely in about the third grade. I hadn't needed anyone to tell me these body parts existed in order for me to explore them, and exploring them led directly to pleasure, so I explored rather often. The first time I was ever even exposed to the concept that some people thought this was a bad thing to do was in a book on puberty that was probably called Your Changing Body or something equivalent that my mother bought for me after I first got my period (at the age of 9). I feel like there was like, one page about masturbation, and somewhere in it it contained the line "Some girls don't like to do it," or something similar. I felt sorry for those girls then, and I still do.

I guess what I take issue with in these passages is the implied idea that one needs to be formally introduced to something to have any conception of it. It gives me the eerie sense that a woman's sexuality is something she needs to be taught or GIVEN by someone else, rather than something inherently part of herself, and that doesn't sit well with me. I never really got the "masturbation is something boys do, but girls don’t, can’t, or shouldn’t" thing--in fact, I can't really remember it ever being mentioned at all, besides by my female cousin once when we were eleven and twelve, so where does that message come from? I'm not denying its existence--I believe them--I just want to know from whence it stems so I can know what to take issue with and how to fight it. I feel like I discovered my own sexual nature and the ability to pleasure myself organically at a young age like these passages suggest boys do, and I don't understand why so many women didn't have the same experience.  

"There is no simpler or greater joy in life than touching your own naughty bits. You are always your own most reliable lover, friend and partner. No one else in the world knows just how to please you, and when you give up on masturbation then you’ve given up on pleasure."

--Jon Pressick, on Met Another Frog

Fun fact of the day:

"a 5 minute vigorous masturbation session" can burn up to "around 300 calories...according to Japanese scientist Dr. Shukan Tokuho." (Source)

Welp, I think I just figured out how to incorporate more exercise into my daily life, haha! I think I'm going to try this going to the gym a couple times a week thing again too, but we'll see how long that lasts. All the fit people there intimidate me. And the skinny old ladies who can put me to SHAME on the elliptical. (I wish I were kidding.)   

Reblogged from PostSecret

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Few things have ever made me feel like a "bad" child.

Selfish, yeah sometimes. Occasionally even ungrateful. Stubborn. I told little lies from tiem to time. But there is generally an understanding within my household that I am "the good child." 95% of the time, I was a straight-A student. Doing my homework was always top priority, even if my friends and I would get distracted as we struggled through calculus together on the phone. I maintained a job during the school year and bought my own school clothes, supplies, lunch, etc. and paid for all my own fun. I didn't even kiss a boy until I was 18, and waited until the unheard of age of 21 to let go of my virginity. [I don't like the phrase "lose;" it was a conscious decision.] My friends used to tease me about how innocent I was, and were shocked that I never talked back to my mother and was concerned about being dishonest. I was a good kid.

The only time I've ever really felt "bad" was during the two months I snuck around with my first boyfriend, whom my entire family disapproved of (for very good reason--I myself disapprove of him in retrospect). It's probably slightly problematic that he was my first experience with physical/sexual pleasure at hands that were not my own, so being bad was (temporarily?) conflated with feeling oh so incredibly good. I intentionally misled my mother about where I was to engage in actions she would not have approved of in any manner, but dammit I was 18, had just graduated high school, my whole life was changing, and it was nice to rebel a little! 

I'm getting off topic here. Basically, the point here is that I have always thought I was a good kid. 

And then I found out yesterday that a very close friend of mine didn't start to masturbate until high school. And I was FLOORED. And I know you all of the internet are going to think I'm joking, but this person would not front with me about this. We don't play that. This person even told me hir [haha third-gender pronoun; I'm not giving away any hints] best friend doesn't know this. Part of hir explanation was having been "such a good child." And I was still like Sebastian in The Little Mermaid with his jaw on the ground.

Because I'm almost positive I started to experiment with self-pleasure around the age of 8. I might have been 9, but I'm positive it was in the house that we lived in when I was in 2nd and 3rd grade, which means first half of being 9 at the absolute oldest. When my cousin and I played Barbies, our Barbies had sex. I discovered porn accidentally in the 6th grade, with that same cousin, but we were both intrigued rather than disgusted, and made a ritual out of sneaking down to the living room to see what was on HBO and Cinemax late at night when she slept over.

Does having a sexual appetite (and having had one from an early age) make me a "bad" child? I know that there are some people, even some people I'm very good friends with, who have never masturbated, either for religious reasons or because our patriarchal misogynistic society has socialized them into believing that women are not sexual beings and that our bodies are disgusting and should not be touched/probed unnecessarily. I am sad for these people. I am also sad for my friend. But maybe I should be sad for me? 

[On second thought, fuck that. Who equated "sheltered" with "good," and why do they deserve my time/attention? I turned out just fine, if I do say so myself.]  

So I'm kind of in the market for a new vibrator

I suppose I wore my old one out. It eventually just stopped vibrating (yes I tried changing the batteries, to no avail), so I still use it as a dildo, but damn sometimes I don't wanna hafta do all the work. (#Imisshavingadickondemand) So I figure getting a new and fancier one is a better idea than hookups with randos/friends on lots and lots of counts. 
And y'all know I'm a fan of pleasure, so I try really hard not to knock how people get their rocks off, as long as it's not actually hurting anyone, but...this still disturbs me. 

It's a SWORD. Who fantasizes about sticking a sword up... People, why?!

I'm exhausted but cannot go to sleep without talking about:

Erykah Badu's voice!

So small confession time: I wasn't the hugest fan of Erykah Badu when I somewhat nonchalantly suggested that K and I go see her when she came to Atlantic City. I was still excited when he wanted to turn my suggestion into a reality, and planned to bone up on my Badu-knowledge before the show, but with all the craziness of my past week that just didn't happen. So I was expecting to know the hits, be generally pleased by the rest even if I couldn't sing along, and enjoy myself for the most part. 

I love those experiences where reality exceeds your expectations. Blown away can't even begin to cover it.

HER VOICE. I CANNOT BELIEVE HER VOICE. 
30 seconds into the show she had me and K both going "MMMMM!" and it got better from there. Her voice made me wanna touch myself, in both senses of the phrase. Every time she showcased those chords of hers by doing a fancy trill or hitting an impossibly high note, I had to clap my hands or snap my fingers or stomp my feet to help all that energy pass through me cleanly. I found myself grabbing at my thighs, my neck, digging my fingernails into my collarbone, out of a need to both hold myself together and a desire to rip myself apart and let all that spirit into me. (I wonder if that's how people feel when they "catch the Holy Ghost" at church. Hmm...) I mean, I've always loved her sound, but hearing the raw talent and beauty amplified over a small dark grown-folks space (and being one of the grown-folks there!)...it was all I could do not to sink to the floor and revel in it sometimes. Never have I been in awe of a performer like this. I almost want to say that her CDs don't do her justice. She is a performer, not a recording artist. I wish I could bottle the energy she had tonight and the beauty and the talent and the attitude and the ass (to quote K: Erykah Badu has ass for days. DAYS.) and just carry it around in my back pocket every time I need to be reminded of love and magic and truth and beauty and the knee-weakening power of peace. Maybe I'm just particularly susceptible to beautiful things right now, but tonight I feel like I witnessed greatness. She is so...herself and like no one else. It's inspiring. She may not want to be a role model, according to a little song she sang to introduce herself, but dammit I will see her as an inspiration. The strength of her soul pours out of every pore. I want to be radiantly me in the same way. I don't feel particularly chained, but she makes me want to seek liberation. She makes me want to be...greater than everything I am, but also makes me feel like the only thing I need to do to be greater is to BE thoroughly who I am. I hope that makes some kind of sense. I'm rambling. It's 3 am. Something wonderful happened here. I will post videographic evidence once I get home tomorrow to my own computer to upload the files.     

Oh no, I'm going to talk about sexuality. Go cower in fear somewhere.

Two fellow 'Dranglers today told me surprisedly/disappointedly that they had images of me as a sweet, innocent little girl...

I am sweet, and I take that as a compliment. But, in the words of Brittney Spears, I'm not that innocent. I'm certainly neither little or a girl, I am a full-figured sometimes-referred-to-as-Amazonian woman, thank you very much. And I don't really like that I'm interpreted as such by the world at large. Oh no. There was a slight scandal last night (I may or may not have soberly publicly licked whipped cream from in between my breasts), and an even slighter scandal during dinner today, but be prepared for me to turn your understandings of me upside down, people who would be surprised to know that one of my big reasons for wanting a single was so that my vibrator and I could have sexytime more regularly...

Side note: why are people so touchy about sexuality? Like, why is talking openly about porn habits, or admitting that I can lick my own nipples, so scandalous? We all do it. Goddamn Puritanical American society. *throws hands into air disgustedly*

Rated M

This needs a disclaimer. The following post is for mature audiences only. Proceed with caution.

Ladies, this is directed at you.

I'm really concerned. This started about a month ago maybe; I was having a conversation with a very close friend of mine and somehow the conversation turned to vibrators. She didn't understand how one worked. I was like, honey, it's pretty self explanatory... Blah-da-de-blah-blah, you don't need to hear this entire conversation. The killer line is right here: She "didn't even know girls could [masturbate]".

If I was a cartoon character, my jaw would have HIT THE FLOOR. She asked me how I knew how, and I honestly didn't even know what to tell her. It was part of my journey of self-discovery waaayyyyyy back when I started going through puberty.Further into this conversation, I learned she didn't even know anything about her own anatomy, other than "where [her] hole is". I mean, they have health class in private school, don't they?! I couldn't even handle this, so I sent her to a pretty decent website so she could educate herself about how she works. (Ladies, I really hope you don't need this, but I feel obligated: LEARN ABOUT YOUR BODY, I'M BEGGING YOU.)

She was scared that she didn't have all the right parts, and later was absolutely incredulous as to the fact that it is possible for a woman to bring herself to orgasm. I really kind of almost wanted to cry; I can't remember not knowing what one felt like. I can't imagine never trying.

A couple of weeks later, I found out that one of my roommates is deathly afraid of...tampons. She is afraid of having anything inside of her, which to me sounds just like she's afraid of her insides.

And then this happened: Last Friday's Daily Princetonian featured on the front page an article entitled "Pleasuring Princeton" that revealed that, based on some study they did, barely more than half of the females on campus reported that they masturbate. Seriously, 52.4 percent. And 34% of that percentage say they only do it once. a. month. ...EXCUSE ME, WAT?!

So I decided to see if I'm just living amongst a bunch of freaks (...or anti-freaks, I guess) or if this is widespread....and turns out, it's an epidemic! Reports that I found on Google claim that as many as 40 percent of women in the US simply don't masturbate. And have never! And I just, ladies, I don't understand.

But then I think back to those books my mom bought me when I got my period for the first time--I believe that part of this issue stems from the fact that black women, in particular, are often very reluctant to talk about their sexuality, which may be a result of the ways in which society portrays us as vastly oversexed Jezebels-- and remember that even when they addressed the issue of female masturbation, they put in the following caveat: Some women don't like to do it. My friend said she thought vaginas were wet and smelly and she felt bad for guys who give head; she bought into that stereotype that female sexuality is somehow dirty or wrong. Well, truth be told, ladies, being open to exploring your sexuality doesn't automatically make you a slut or a whore, I promise. I don't care if people have been shoving the idea that being sexy and being ladylike are directly at odds with one another; a new day has dawned. It's two-thousand-freaking-ten, women; we're free to be who we are, and we, like all humans, are sexual beings, okay?

Did you know that statistics say that as many as 25% of women cannot physically have orgasms from sex alone? So don't fret about the myth that masturbating can make it so you can never orgasm any other way--it might be the only way you're ever going to experience the thrill. And--get ready, I'm about to blow your mind--research shows masturbating is actually HEALTHY. Yes, you heard me, healthy: orgasms lead to the release of endorphin and estrogen, which promotes smooth skin and healthy hair. Masturbating promotes healthy vaginal and urinal tracts. It also feeds your sex drive, increases your self-esteem, and it can lead to you becoming multiply orgasmic....mmm, girl let me tell you. These are not things you want to miss. Also it just FEELS GOOD. Great, actually.

Also, a lot of men report that they find female masturbation to be incredibly attractive, as it's generally the best way for your guy to find out exactly what you like. So don't think you're cheating on your man or your future man by doing it. Men like a woman who knows what she wants.

I heard a great line on the internet somewhere once: If you don't wanna fuck yourself, why would you expect anyone else to want to fuck you? In my personal and decidedly non-expert opinion, I believe that making love with yourself is a critical element of loving yourself, and ladies, I highly recommend it. It'll be my 20th birthday in a week, and my birthday present...well, let's just say it's hot pink, 7 inches long and one inch wide, curved slightly, ribbed, waterproof, and has multiple speed settings.

Love yourself, ladies. In every way that you can.