Inside the mind of a kind of quirky, pretty stubborn, way too opinionated, twenty-something, heteroflexible Black female newly employed up-and-moved-to-DC Princeton GRADUATE who's just trying to sort out her life. An uninhibited celebration of all that is me, this blog is an exercise in self-discovery and live-with-your-heart-wide-open-ness. Though I make respect a habit, I will not always be politically correct, and I believe in the power of making audiences uncomfortable to inspire change.
Project the emotions raised by a situation I went through into the past onto situations that are developing in the present.
See:
And okay, I don't think I'm walking around with a particularly large amount of baggage. I don't actively drag every situation I've ever been in around with me all day; I don't avoid relationships because I've been hurt in them in the past or not apply to competitive research programs just because last year I got rejected from everywhere I applied. I don't even have to pretend to be friendly with my ex--I am fully capable of moving on, I promise. But that doesn't mean I don't get a gut reaction when something happens that reminds me of something that caused me pain in the past. I won't necessarily plan my next steps entirely around that reaction, but I can't bring myself totally ignore it either. There has to be a comfortable middle ground where I can recognize a potential warning sign without losing my shit or feeling weighed down. If I totally ignore it, the chances that I'll end up right back where I was last time seem fairly high. But preparing myself for an apocalypse that might never come just seems silly and overly defensive.
So I think I'll compromise by highlighting all of the ways the situation that may or may not be currently unfolding differs greatly from the somewhat similar situation I went through in high school. The players, the scene, the maturity levels, the strength of the involved relationships. Why do we jump to compare situations based on one or two similarities when so many other variables differ? Why is what things have in common more valuable than what sets things apart?
I am not convinced that I have anything to worry about. And yet a familiar tightness is wreaking havoc on my stomach right now; I think its name is dread. I want to hide from it under the covers.
As soon as I get back to campus, every day will be one day closer to the end of what has been the best time of my life. I realize this has been true since Sept. 11, 2008, when I moved in for the first time, but it all seems so imminent right now. [My life as I know and love it is in danger.]
Holy shit I have to write a thesis. And okay, so I've sort of been working on it all summer, and may or may not have 8 pages of my literature review written, and am a hell of a lot more prepared than a lot of my peers. And yeah, alright, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life (basically), so I should be excited. It's not that I'm not excited...it's just, it's still scary as fuck.
I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do immediately after graduation, and I probably need to have been working on that already. I hope it's not too late to get something good.
I may or may not still be not particularly looking forward to seeing you know who. I'm not hurting anymore, but I doubt the first few interactions will be pleasurable in any way for me. And I don't like uncomfortable situations...but there's no avoiding this, so it's keep my chin up time, I suppose. I've just never really had to interact with someone who hurt me on a regular basis before [family and ex-family notwithstanding].
Yeah, so this year is...different, but still. I'll be damned if I start now.
Sometimes they change in ways we are not happy with.
Sometimes the changes make it seem like new-chunk-of-life-you're-entering won't feel normal. Sometimes the anticipation of that impending lack of normality will fill the pit of your stomach with a nasty feeling that can only be called dread. Sometimes you will want to stick your head in the sand and hide from that feeling...that will never make it actually go away. (It knows you're under there.) Sometimes you will sit at "work" for hours trying to imagine ways to make this new-chunk-of-life-you're-entering feel more like the old/current-chunk-of-life-you've-come-to-adore , what can be done to approximate that comfortable sense of normality you don't want to part with under any circumstances. Sometimes you will become exceedingly frustrated as that seems less and less possible the more you think about it. Sometimes you will overanalyze and become unnecessarily worried about things that will not matter in the long run, even if the short run seems so overwhelmingly significant right now. ...Sometimes you need to just breathe. Sometimes you need to calm yourself down and take a moment to remember who and what you are and note that if you've made it through x, y, and z, then this isn't going to kill you. And look back over your life and realize that whoever said that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger had a point. And remember that things that don't accept change don't last long--we must accommodate when accommodation is due. So if the old normal has to go, let it. Don't think of the change as a change, think of it as a new normal. Get just as comfortable in it. Love it the same way. It's the only way every moment of a less-than-ideal situation won't be the worst thing ever. And honey, your life can't be the worst thing ever--it's far too fabulous. <3
