Is blogging giving me a big(ger) mouth?

It has come to my attention recently that I might have gotten too used to putting my whole life out there. Or, that there's a difference between blogging about things in a situation where I control everything that is said and how it's said and talking about things publicly with people I'm not super close to (but whom may or may not read the blog), because questions are asked and badgering happens when I don't want to answer, and then sometimes bitches can start trippin and inserting themselves into situations they have no business being involved in and then I start questioning friendships.

But before, or at least alongside questioning who my friends actually are, I need to step back and question the actions I'm taking. KS has been trying to get me to see this for a while, but it's just now starting to hit me (#whyishealwaysrightaboutmylife) that just because I am asked a question doesn't mean I have to answer it. Just because I've gotten used to talking about myself and the situations in my life in one arena, a controlled self-created arena where names are never named and I'm the only person pressuring myself to keep going, doesn't mean that I have any sort of responsibility to talk about myself and these same situations with people, especially with people I don't completely trust. It feels weird saying this, but I have to remember that outside of certain social spaces, I can't walk around like I'm allowed to be comfortable with everyone and say whatever I want to say, because that's how drama gets started.

I need to work on establishing a blogger/real person balance of openness. I'm absolutely not going to start censoring what I talk about on here, but I absolutely am going to limit whom I'll talk further about things offline with, and to what degree I talk about them offline. I am going to work on establishing the idea that just because I put my own stuff on blast here doesn't mean that I have to provide more details. Saying no has never been a strong suit of mine, but I need to work on remembering that I have no obligations to tell anyone anything I don't think they need to know. I need to remember that being a blogger doesn't mean my business isn't mine.

In light of yesterday's cathartic post...

Reblogged from Too Good to be True

The two artists I have the most music by are India.Arie and Eminem

As such, the two feelings I'm torn between are:

"And if he ever left me, I wouldn't even be sad, 'cause there's a blessing in every lesson and I'm glad that I knew him at all." --India.Arie, "The Truth"

and 

"when someone seems too good to be true, they usually are. But see, when you're in it it's too hard to see..." --Eminem, "Spend Some Time"

Not sure I'll ever make a decision between the two feelings. Not sure it's even possible. I am not sure how I'm not supremely angry or if I'll stay that way. I'm not sure what to believe about the past four months, except that for the sake of my sanity it can't be nothing. Not sure how long it will take to shake this sick-to-my-stomach feeling or to rebuild the ability to trust. Not sure you ever really know a person. Not sure how to make myself stop caring about him. Even less sure than I ever was before (not including the past three months) about what love ostensibly is. Not sure I'll ever really understand what happened here. 

I am sure I'll waste lots of time and energy trying to. I am sure that I feel humiliated, like I have been made a fool of. I am sure I'll throw myself into my independent work like nobody's business in a thinly veiled attempt to hide the fact that my life doesn't make sense to me anymore. I am sure that I was happy (albeit a different kind of happy) before this and I can be happy again after it. I am sure that there's a lot to be learned from this situation.  I am sure that I will never again undervalue the importance of complete and brutal honesty, especially when the truth hurts. I'm also pretty sure that I am (un?)fortunately too good a person to repeatedly flame him on this blog, because like I don't deserve this, I can't make myself believe he's a terrible enough person to deserve that, so I will try to avoid it (after this).

A DirectTV blimp just passed overhead saying "Change your life." My first reaction? I don't want to. But sometimes you don't have a choice. 

I will leave you with an excerpt from my favorite play, Ntozake Shange's For Colored Girls who've Considered Suicide/ when the Rainbow is enuf:

"My love is too beautiful to have thrown back on my face. [...]

My love is too sanctified to have thrown back on my face.

My love is too magic to have thrown back on my face.

My love is too Saturday night to have thrown back on my face.

My love is too complicated to have thrown back on my face.

 My love is too music to have thrown back on my face.

And you remember that the next time some man tries to walk away with all of your stuff. 

I know that's right. Or says I'm sorry a million times.

...

 It's ok. I asked myself how I could let that happen and I realized that I was missing something. Something so important. Something promised.

I suppose what I'm left with now is me time. More than time to analyze what happened here, I suppose I should go find what I'm missing to make sure it never happens again. Not that I'm blaming myself--mistakes were made on both sides--but something needs to change.

How did I get here?