Do you, boo.

"Actually, being what you are is the simplest.

What is difficult is to stop being what you are not.

Because we wish to keep hold of our attachments.

Freedom is to be free of attachments and the main attachment is to the ‘I’-self."

--Mooji

(via Free Bird) 

But I think it’s intoxicating when somebody is so unapologetically who they are.

--Don Cheadle

(via  Indie. Radiant.) 

"Confidence to be oneself exudes radiance from within. No one else has the right to tell you how you should or should not be."

--Noch Noch

(source)

Continuing goal: to be in harmony with my true self

A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination, prepared to be herself and only herself. ~Maya Angelou

This is in the spirit of the second day of Kwanzaa, Kujichagulia, which means "self-determination." Which, when you think about it, is really the entire point of this blog and this period of my life in general. I am on a mission to create and define myself, and then live according to that definition, making revisions and adding things when needed. I have no problem with code-switching contextually--in fact, I think it's a necessary life skill when your life involves interacting with peoples of various backgrounds and social locations--but I am determined to never lose myself in a web of shoulds, shouldn'ts, supposed tos, woulds, or what's "proper" again. Being myself and living according to my own standards seems like the most proper thing imaginable. I'm not hiding from who I am anymore; rather, I'm actively exploring and excavating to get to know myself better and better, to know the limits of who I am and what I believe. This means I am free to change my opinion things as I learn and change and grow, and free to engage in practices I once would have frowned upon, or to frown upon things I once would have engaged in. I'm free to do whatever the fuck I want, as long as it resonates within me and I don't get caught breaking too many laws. I feel freer than I've felt in many years, and I'm pretty sure this journey I've embarked on will be life-long.

This is my favorite day of Kwanzaa. :) 

 

" I wish that someone, somewhere had explained to me that understanding who I am is a long process and that it’s okay to take the pressure off (figuratively, and sometimes literally) and just enjoy the ride." -- JULIA, on Met Another Frog

"Today, stop missing your fulfillment walking down someone else’s path. Take your own journey, even if the first steps are hard and know you’ll be rewarded down the road." -- Leslie Pitterson, of Clutch Magazine

Now is the time for big questions about the path I will walk in both the immediate and distant futures. We should all take some time to reflect on whether what we're working towards is what we really want, before we start telling ourselves it's too late to jump ship. [Fun fact: it's never too late to jump ship. Happiness has no expiration date.] 

The way to do it:

Reblogged from The Write Curl Diary

My life is a series of progression and relapse.

B told me on Friday night that he thinks I'm taking this all very well. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm just trying to hide how much it hurts, even from myself. 

Dear Universe,

It's like, okay, all cocky/snobbish/self-centeredness aside, I know that I'm a pretty awesome person. I like me. I think I have cool ideas and I have a big heart and I'm kinda cute and most of the time I'm an interesting person to be around. I take pretty good care of myself. I have a pretty good self-concept. I can do all the self-affirmations in the book and I believe them. I do. 

But is it too much to ask for a little external validation? Like, damn, no matter how hard you believe, if no one else can see something, maybe you're just wrong? I don't feel like I'm crazy. But sometimes I feel like I just give and give and give and don't get much in return. I spend my life trying to share myself and my time and my energy and my love/affection/admiration with other people and I'm never quite sure they're sharing back with me equally. I don't know how to hear what basically boils down to I wanted to give you more but I just couldn't without having serious qualms about whether I will ever be enough for anyone but me. I don't wanna hide myself away and give of myself sparingly, but unless I see some proof that reciprocity is possible, I'm going to have to. I see no other way to avoid destroying myself through the process of simply trying to live. [Although I suppose in a really morbid way, that's all life is--a process of self-destruction.] 

Universe, maybe this is an impossible thing to ask for, but I'm going to ask anyway because I'm running out of other ideas. I just want a little bit of confirmation that I am, in fact, lovable. That it is possible, even if it won't happen for a long time. That anyone besides my Daddy--whose kindness and support this week have been unbelievable and unprecedentedly appreciated--can see me as a priority. I just want to know I'm not holding out for an impossible dream. You made me believe in love, Universe, and then you snatched the foundation I'd built right out from under my feet, and I thank you for not letting me continue to build my life around should-be-truths, but I feel like I'm at Square Negative Two right about now. Knowing that someone can go through the motions of loving and cherishing me and succeed in making me feel like a treasure without having his heart actually in it...I don't want to turn into a pessimist but I don't know how I'll ever shake this shroud of doubt. I want to make it clear that I don't feel like I was trivialized, but I do feel...trivializable, almost. 

It's really and truly my goal to try to be friendly or even friends, because I still think he's an awesome person and someone I'd like to have in my life, but...a) it's going to be hard to leave it at just that, and b) I have lots of friends already, goddammit! Yes it is infinitely better than people not wanting me in their lives at all, but I'm scared I'll never be enough to cross that line from an interesting friend you care about and want to keep around to a person you want to share your life with, even for a while. The last thing I'm looking for is forever at this stage, but I want...the temptation of wanting forever? And that temptation to be real on both sides. I want something REAL. I'm an intense person and maybe my candle is burning at more than just both ends and I am willing to light myself afire in even more places if someone will just burn with me. Maybe this is just a showcase of my immaturity or all the reasons why now isn't the time for this to happen for me, but I just want to know what it's like to be important to someone. I want someone to feel like they can give of themselves freely back to me. I want organic reciprocity. If I have value only to myself, am I not worthless on the open market? 

I know I'm not. But I want proof. Because if insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, then I'm...worried, because nothing's changing. Do I have to change? I'm happy with me though. I don't think the way I'm doing things is fundamentally wrong. 


What say you?

Maya 

Habari gani? Kujichagulia!

Habari gani? Kujichagulia! Kujichagulia means self-determination and is the second day of Kwanzaa. On this day, we pledge to define ourselves, to name ourselves, to create for ourselves, and to speak for ourselves, instead of being defined, named by, created for and spoken for by others. On this day we design for ourselves a positive future and then vow to make that prophecy a self-fulfilling one.

Kujichagulia is my favorite day of Kwanzaa. Do you, Kujichagulia says. Be a rebel. Find something--anything--to throw your fist in the air and yell about. Today is the day to say FUCK the establishment, FUCK the status quo, FUCK people who are resistant to change, FUCK anyone who can't appreciate your beauty and your truth.

Africans. Niggers. Negroes. Coloreds. Blacks. African-Americans. Niggas. Persons of the African Diaspora. Multi-generational African-Americans. Self-definition is an interesting concept to me, particularly as it relates to identity markers. Black people in this country have been struggling for centuries to answer these questions: What is blackness? Who gets to define it? Through time it has been the whites, then the upper-middle-class blacks, then the militants...no one's really sure who it is now. There are lots of people who say blackness should be whatever every individual black person wants it to be; but then how do the non-black interpret blackness, and how do we honor yesterday (unity)? I ask the same thing about gender identity, sexual orientation identity, political party identity, class identity, age identity, religious identity...labels in general. I always say I don't like labels. I don't like generalizations. I don't like that if I said I was a feminist, you would have a prescribed notion of what feminists are, a mold you'd try to put me in. I worry about the same things when I say black. When I say female. When I say 20 year old. When I say Princetonian. I WILL NOT BE COOKIE-CUTTERED TO FIT YOUR NOTIONS OF REALITY.

Heh, Kujichagulia is kind of why I started this blog to begin with...