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Reblogged from WYSIWYG

Woot parents who gave me both kinds of toys. I was equally obsessed with Barbies and K'Nex, and later with boy bands and video games, and nobody saw a problem with that. 

To illustrate why Jada is winning all the points with me:

"They question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls, are constantly reminded that they do not belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power of self-determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to know that her body, spirit, and mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It's also a statement that says that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother's deepest insecurities, hopes, and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be."

--Jada Pinkett-Smith

(via Lavender Labia)

Fuck yeah Sweden

Because shooting shit with foam balls is fucking awesome, regardless of what's between your legs.

Reblogged from feministing

 

All of the claps.

Reblogged from Tudo Bom(b)

Men Ain't Shit.

I seem to be on the road to self-identifying as a feminist. Some of you might be looking at me like, well DUH, but let me explain: I've always had feminist tendencies. It's funny, but since birth I've had this nagging conceptualization of myself as a person that deserves recognition as such...but I digress. I've always had feminist tendencies. I just used to be wary of downright against calling myself "a feminist." And before you start thinking I'm some little punk, it wasn't because of all of the shit that gets talked about feminists. Who gon' check me, boo?!

My problems with feminism come from its longstanding history of ignoring the particular struggles affecting women who are anything other that White, middle-class, and heterosexual. And yeah, okay, I know the movement is officially for all women now, but honestly, I believe that like I believe Santorum was talking about "blah" people...like hell.

Get at me when you stop producing foolishness like this, feminism. It's like, damn, and I liked SlutWalk too...

I still see the experiences of women of color, queer women, and poor women being addressed primarily by in-group members. I still see personhood being portrayed as Whites-only when feminists report statistics about "Women," "Men," "Blacks," and "Hispanics." (Should I clap that you're trying when you're doing it so very wrong?) And it's just like, while I'm so glad the right to breastfeed at work has become protected by law, I'm just much more concerned with the fact that unemployment is rising for Blacks as it falls for everyone else. 

And yeah, okay, I know that Black feminism is a thing. It's a really fucking awesome thing. And then there's the whole womanist movement, too. And when I discovered these, I got more open to the idea of maybe calling myself a feminist. And when I realized the error of my previously pro-life ways, I got even more open to the idea of maybe calling myself a feminist. And the above photograph says more than I ever can about how the movement as a whole isn't doing nearly enough to address race and racism, but at least part of that needs to be interpreted in a Gandhi "It's not your Christ I have a problem with; it's your Christians" kind of manner. 

And there's another It's-not-your-Feminism-it's-your-feminists problem that I have: man-bashing. I really don't know what it's going to take for people to realize that the celebration of one thing does not necessitate the belittling of its opposite (not that I believe men and women are inherently opposites). It is possible to love one thing without hating its counterpart. I love being Black, but that doesn't mean I hate Whiteness. I'm pro-choice but not anti-children (for other people). I'm pretty sex-positive, but that doesn't mean I'm abstinence-negative. And I can't stand it when so-called "feminists" attack manhood and masculinity, rather than attacking patriarchy. I can't stand it when "feminism" doesn't realize that portraying women as "good" and men as "evil" not only belittles both genders by erases heterogeneity, but is creating the exact same issues that patriarchy creates by portraying men as significant and women as not. By talking about all the things that are "wrong" with "men," these people are just playing into the narrow stereotypes and archetypes patriarchy has carved out for men to exist in. 

Men have emotions. They hurt. They think. They dwell. They worry. They love. They fear. They have stories to tell, too.

And with that, I give you this awesome short documentary I discovered thanks to Tunde (@BrazenlyVirile) today. It's called Men Ain't Shit, and it goes out to everyone who has ever said any version of that statement. (I'm guilty of "Boys are stupid.")


Men Ain't Sh?t from Le Femme Flaneur on Vimeo.
 

This little girl.

I WISH I had been as aware of social injustice and product manipulation when I was a kid. I loved playing with my brother's Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and he would deign to play Ken when I was playing with my Barbies, and we both happily played with androgynous toys like Legos and K'NEX, but to actually ASK FOR products targeted at the other gender was beyond me in my youth. But this child sees through the lies and blasphemy to question gendered socialization, and I want to applaud both her and her parents. 

 

Hmm...

I've bemoaned Disney's presentation of femininity and relationships in the past, but this is something I've never considered: Disney's teachings of masculinity to little boys are just as problematic.

"Ignorance doesn't keep a desk calendar."

How to hit on not harass an Asian woman:

I approve very highly of The Good Men Project.

It's an online magazine about masculinity and gender issues from the perspectives of progressive men. I think the world needs more things like this. I wish the ratio of women to men in my Sociology of Gender class hadn't equaled than the student-faculty ratio for the class. I wish that most of my conversations about masculinity weren't female-dominated. One of my big problems with feminism [I know you're all like, damn, how many big problems with feminism does she have?], or maybe just with the way feminism has been perverted over the years, is the tendency of feminists to condemn the masculine. 

Tad Hargrave exemplifies this beautifully in this article from TGMP:

"If you were to sit down the average progressive male and ask them, “What are the gifts that women and the feminine bring to the world? What are the gifts that sexism, patriarchy and oppression have blocked the world from receiving?” The list would be long. Of course, there are dangers of conflating women and the feminine together directly–these lines are often not so clear. One can be in a woman’s body and deeply masculine and vice versa. But still, the list would be long. The gift of birth. The gift of their cycle. The gift of nurturing. Deep intuition and sensitivity. An amazing capacity for depth of feeling. The way that women are often the ones to carry a community–often the invisible giants on whose shoulders a community rides.

But if you were to ask the same man, “What are the gifts that the men and the masculine energy brings?” You would often see silence. And shame. Answers come but . . . not as readily. There’s a deep sense, in this culture, that men are a bad animal. A sense that “we don’t need men’s protection–we need protection from the men.” "

If we've reached a point where we feel that men as a collective cannot be celebrated, then we are doing something horribly wrong. Yes, patriarchy exists, and needs to be eradicated, but it doesn't afflict all men, and afflicts many women. Patriarchy is not a "men's issue," just like the work-family-balance isn't a "woman's issue". These are people's issues, society's issues. 

He also quotes a progressive female friend of his, who says the following:

“I’ll tell you something many of us women talk about in these circles for conscious change. We’re surrounded by sensitive new age men and what we really want sometimes is a man who could just bend us over the couch. Yes, we want men to be more sensitive. But sensitive to US as women. Sensitive to our needs and desires and body language. Not overly sensitive and taking everything personally. I need a man who’s solid in himself enough to notice what’s happening over here–not someone who’s obsessed with himself and what other people think of him.” 

 I added the italics there, because for a very long time I've felt like it makes me a bad...person-who-is-conscious-of-the-problems-of-patriarchy to want to be "man-handled" (I wish there was a better term) from time to time. I'm almost uncomfortable asking this question, but I've learned that questions that make you feel that way are the most important ones to ask, so: Does every action that could be construed as being based on male privilege (or white privilege, or class privilege, etc.) have to be interpreted as such? It seems to me that being progressive should be about finding ways to do these actions respectfully. Like, I don't mind being hit on as long as dude is coming correct. I like to wear makeup and flowers in my hair, and I don't think this makes me any more or less of a woman. And sometimes I want "a roughneck n***a, mandingo in the sack/ who ain't afraid to pull my hair and spank me from the back" -- LL Cool J feat. LeShaun, "Doin It". I just also want to be able to hold insightful conversations and go on romantic outings and just kick it on a couch somewhere with him. All of that can be confusing for me, so I can't even imagine what the conflicting messages must be like for guys.

So Nightline just had a special on transgender teens

And when I heard it come on on my mother's television upstairs, I groaned a little and half-listened to the first minute or two. And then I remembered what happened with "The Help" and decided that if I'm going to hem and haw about something, I should probably at least watch it. They started off interviewing a female psychologist who was talking about how women have been allowed to get more masculine--"look at us, we're wearing pants"--but men haven't really been allowed to get more feminine. Society still freaks the fuck out when the president of J.Crew paints her sons toenails. And I sigh at social conservativeness. I rally against it wherever it exists! 

People were like OMG SHE'S RAISING HER SON TO BE GAY (a lot of them used more offensive terms that I wouldn't dare repeat). People were like I'D NEVER LET MY CHILD DO THAT. I was like, *wishes she could slap ignorant people everywhere* 

So what if a little boy wants to paint his nails like his mom? WHY IS THIS A MATTER OF NATIONAL CONCERN?! If I'm allowed to not paint my nails for the first 21 years of my life, then he should be allowed to experiment with painting his if he wants. Society said nail polish is for girls, society can un-say it. Simple as that.

"But what if your little boy goes a step further and actually tells you he's a little girl?" the Nightline special asked. Evidently all hell breaks loose. 

Okay. Now let me start off by saying that I can understand why this might be traumatizing for parents. Oh you had such high dreams of teaching your son to play baseball and watching sports together and buying him his first condoms and other touching father-son moments. Moms, you wanted to watch your little boy develop into a handsome man and feel proud of your accomplishments. I get it. But hey look, there's softball, and some girls like sports, and everyone should be protected, and I think the biggest accomplishment any parent can have is knowing they did what's best for their child. And trying to mold your child to fit your dreams IS NOT A GOOD LOOK. 

It has come to my attention that transsexuals and transvestites really freak people out. I first learned this one day when I was in Atlantic City with my mother and we saw some men dressed as pretty fly ladies, and my mom mentioned something about how it made her uncomfortable. [Disclaimer: my mother is offensive sometimes. She's also a bit homophobic. It shames me.] And I just said I thought they looked good. Then in high school I had a friend, Joe, who revealed to us after a while that he was about to embark on the process of becoming Cassie. A lot of people were weirded out by it, but I was just happy that she was finally going to be happy. At Princeton, people treat the Drag Ball like it's such a big deal and I know guys who always crack jokes about dressing up and going but never actually do. Before you call me a hypocrite because I've never been either, I've never been because I don't know what I would wear. Jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers is an entirely appropriate outfit for a woman. They even make female boxers. So what am I supposed to wear that is entirely inappropriate for a woman? [And how do I make the 38Ds disappear?] 

Anyway, back to this primetime special. So it started off really well. The first story was about a woman of color whose four-year-old son loves to wear dresses and calls himself a "Princess Boy". Though she tried to fight it at first, her older son encouraged her to let his brother "be happy" and she wrote a book about their family and has become an accidental activist. Some students at his preschool don't like to play with him, and some parents are mean, but he has friends and, most importantly, seems genuinely happy. Because he still identifies as a boy, this child is most accurately labelled a transvestite.

The second story features a family in rural bumblefuck whose son eschewed things like fire trucks and action figures from infancy, preferring barbie dolls and pink tutus. When he's ten, he finally has a mini breakdown and tells his mother he's a girl and can't do this anymore. Hir parents decide to let hir start dressing as a girl at home, but that isn't enough for hir and eventually they decide to let him to to school as a girl. Jack changes hir name to Jackie, and hir older sister comes to hir 4th grade class to talk to hir classmates before she comes in. None of the kids laughed or said anything ignorant, and even their crotchety grandparents don't disown Jackie. Jackie's parents decide to put hir on drugs that will suppress male puberty. Everyone is happy. Success story number two. 

Then we get our first actual teen, and our first look at the not-so-rainbows-and-butterflies side of this story. Vanessa was supposedly a normal boy until high school, at which point he started getting teased and having things thrown at him because he was different. Vanessa has been selling hir body as an "escort" to fund her "habit" of black-market hormone therapy and to raise enough money for top surgery (remodeling of the face to appear more feminine, reduction of the size of the adam's apple, and breast implants) in Mexico. Against the wishes of hir mother, Vanessa goes to Mexico and undergoes a somewhat shady (but thankfully complication-free) surgery. Hir mother is supportive and welcoming she she returns, saying she is going to love her, because "that's what she needs". 

And up until this point, I am okay with this special. They've shown the good and the bad, and both are needed to make an expose even halfway legit. But then, they found this fool. I don't remember his name. He went through a normal functional male--no, I'm sorry, he called himself an alpha male--life, getting married and having kids and never having the slightest thought he might be a woman on the inside until he got divorced at age 33. Then he started hanging out around some transsexuals and decided hmm this might be cool or something. He went to a doctor, got put on female hormones, and decided to spend $100,000 undergoing fancy surgeries that turned him into a female supermodel basically. She was fucking hot. But after 7 years of life as Samantha, he realized he had never really wanted to be a woman in the first place, and spent another $50,000 to turn back into a man. And now he's on national television saying that he doesn't think anyone is born thinking they were born the wrong sex, and blaming transsexuality on doctors and their hormone therapy. 

[This is where my respect for Nightline got up and walked out the door.] You just got finished showing us the stories of children who have, since birth, exhibited signs and symptoms of believing they were born into a body of the wrong sex and have been fighting since the earliest of ages for the right to be who they ARE, and then you're going to let this FOOL who dropped 100 Gs on a WHIM tell us transsexuality doesn't exist?! STFU. In fact, GTFO. I wanted to turn the TV off, but I'd committed to the idea of this post already, and I wasn't going to punk out. But YOU JUST FINISHED SHOWING US YOURSELVES that this isn't a whimsical desire, something someone just wakes up one day and decides to do. This is these people's lives! But you undermined all of that by letting this fool open his mouth. [Confession: I have difficulty supporting the right to freedom of speech on the part of people whose messages spread hatred and -isms of any variety.] 

They then turned to some foreign musical artist who became the youngest person in the world to fully physically make the M-to-F transition at sixteen, having to undergo all sorts of tests and becoming a big media scandal in her home country before they allowed her to make an exception to the rule that one has to be 18 to undergo the surgery. She talked about how she knew it was what she wanted, and all the support and love she's gotten from fans around the world. I suppose her story was meant to show the social acceptability that M-to-F transsexuals can garner, but what struck me was the sort of throwaway line of hers that she doesn't want to be known as "just that transsexual artist." She wants to just be herself.

And that's the take home point of this very long post, people. Transsexuals, be they M-to-F or F-to-M, are just trying to be normal people. They just want to own their bodies the way the rest of us own ours. They just want to be comfortable with themselves, and it's ridiculous that close-mindedness on the rest of our parts might keep them from doing so. Why? Because it's something we're unfamiliar with? Oh-hey-look-something-new-and-different-let's-shun-it is a mentality we as a society should have outgrown a hell of a long time ago. It's 20-fucking-11 people--now that the technology exists that these people don't have to suffer in a body that doesn't feel theirs, why should we try to make them? No one would balk at someone who has been in a horrible accident getting plastic surgery. I think being born into a sex category that doesn't match your gender is one of the worst accidents I can imagine. So get the fuck over it, okay?  

I've been wanting to talk about masculinity for a while

Specifically, about changing definitions/cultural understandings of masculinity and how it's becoming slightly more okay in some places to be a man who is not "macho," just as it's becoming okay to be a woman who isn't excessively feminine. I think both of these things are wonderful, but I think that the not-particularly-feminine woman is something we see a lot more often (particularly within the realms of people of color and/or low income groups) than the not-hegemonically-masculine man. But I'm one of those crazy liberals who wants to rip gender norms to shreds and promotes egalitarianism in partnerships and shit, so maybe I'm more attuned to this kind of stuff. I don't know. I know that I want a man who isn't afraid to have and share his feelings. Who can appreciate art. Who can cook and clean and will split these responsibilities with me when we're on that grown shit level. Who reads. I don't give a damn whether he likes sports or video games or if he can change a tire (though I'm not gonna lie, handyman-ness would be convenient). Who is at least somewhat fashionable. I guess what I'm hinting at is that I am attracted to "other" masculinities. Quiet masculinities. Some might even go as far as to call them androgynous masculinities, but I'm not really a fan of the "androgyny" movement because it seems a far cry from simply ceasing to associate certain traits with certain categories of the [far too narrow] gender binary. 
Okay I'm devolving into a tangent. Back to the point here. I've been wanting to talk about masculinity for a long time now, since that Sociology of Gender class I took last semester, and more acutely since a conversation I had with a very dear friend of mine a little over a month ago about what kind of a man he is. This conversation included me listing some of his traits that I think align to "masculine" ideals in quiet ways, and I had the sneaking suspicion that he felt unconvinced. It made me want to do something, because other masculinities shouldn't feel illegitimate [nor should other femininities, other racial identities, other LGBTQQ identities, other anythings!]. And so the day after that conversation I clicked the "New Post" button and stared at the blinking cursor for a while, feeling totally uninspired as to what I wanted to say. I would start typing things and then delete them, and eventually I just deleted the post and figured I'd try again later.
But later never really rolled around, and I have come to realize that I just felt like it wasn't my place to be trying to write about masculinity. And I'm not one to usually let myself be put in places, but it's like, you know, there are few things I hate more than when someone who is not a Black woman tries to tell me about myself as a Black woman. Hell, I don't always take to other Black women telling me about myself as a Black woman. So who am I to try to talk my way around and through something I can only ever be an outsider to? The first rule of writing is to write what you know. So I let the talking about masculinity thing go for a while. It was still something that I knew needed addressing, but I just didn't quite know how. 

This man's thoughts are a really good place to start.

My best friend asked a guy out on a date

and I just want to take a small moment of time to say how incredibly proud I am of her. I made a small suggestion about something she should do last week, not thinking for a second she'd actually go for it, and she has already surpassed my wildest expectations. This is called grabbing this bull called Life by the horns and making it be your bitch. This is called having control, rather than a passive say. This is called taking a chance. This is called LIVING. I'm so happy for her, regardless of what comes from it, just because she took the initiative and did this.

I feel like I need to catch up, haha.  

BIG Questions

I'm wrestling with two pretty big and somewhat linked issues right now, as I move towards a better and deeper self-understanding. I suppose it's somewhat impossible to study college's effect on student ide entity without pondering my own identity and the way Princeton is molding it. Anddddd I guess one of the purposes of even starting this blog was to get back in touch (or perhaps even in touch for the first time) with who I really am. 

Well I can't know who I am until I can definitively answer these questions:

1) Is my blackness or my womanness more important to me? Which comes first, and is that firstness justified?

2) Fact: I might actually be more non-black than I am of African descent. What does that mean for my identity as a black person? And for my ideas about black people in general?

Relatedly, I identify as a Black American. I don't like the term African-American as relating to ME, because I feel it should be reserved for first/second/third generation immigrants, like most other -American groups use the hyphenation, and that does not apply to me or my people. Not to denounce my African roots in any way, but I'm not even sure the majority of my blood comes from the motherland (I'm also German, French Canadian, Native American, Portuguese, and probably a few other random things). .I feel like the term African-American doesn't give respect to the fact that my ancestors are not all just from Africa. They come from... all over the world. My skin is not that of an African's. Neither is my hair. I know from conversations with my African friends, neither are the vast majority of my ideas and perceptions of the world. Those things and more all come from the eclectic blend of cultures and heritages within me, and within most of us who have descended from slavery--we all know that wasn't an institution built upon preserving the separation of the races--and I believe "black American" is the most fitting term (of those we have to choose from) to represent that blend. I also like "multi-generational African-Americans", a term Imani Perry tossed out in precept last week...

T I A R A

^one of the words I made last night playing Scrabble on the defensive.

If I ever fall in love, I want it to be with a man who reminds me that I am a queen by treating me with the knowledge that I am his equal.