I used to feel some kinda way

Another Thought Catalog-inspired post, with Ryan O'Connell as my muse.

I used to think I was a person who happened to be black, as opposed to a Black person. A person who happened to be female, as opposed to a woman. I used to be passive about the way I self-identified. I don't feel that way anymore.  


I used to think I couldn't cook. Two independent summers have proved me wrong. I don't feel that way anymore. Also, landlords aren't necessarily scary and $200 in the bank can stretch further than you'd believe.

I used to blame myself for everything. When something went wrong in my life, I would assume that I had somehow triggered it, and that if I could just try a little harder to be a little bit more perfect, everything would fall neatly back into place. This attitude nearly ran me into the ground many a time in middle/high schools, and whenever it tries to rear its ugly head again, I try to shut it down quick, fast, and in a hurry. 

I used to think being a kid was the WORST and growing up had to be the coolest thing ever. Being your own person, not having to listen to your mom all the time, getting to go where you want and do what you want and buy what you want. Being able to be in charge! I don't feel this way anymore. I certainly still enjoy all those aspects, but responsibilities can be a bitch and sometimes I miss the days when my biggest worry was whether my teacher would call on me in class. 

I used to hate my mother. I thought of her as a crazy tyrant with ridiculous demands. I thought she was going to drive me crazy. I thought she was doing everything she was doing out of spite because she thought I'd ruined her life. I didn't see that she gave everything she could to give me the chance to make more of myself than she thought she had the power to make of herself. I didn't see the sacrifices she made or the holes I could have fallen into if she hadn't been so damned vigilant. I don't feel that way anymore [but I'm sometimes still scared of being a disappointment]. 


I used to not believe in love. I thought I'd seen enough relationships and marriages in my family fall to pieces, tearing people and families apart in the process, that I knew better than to fall. After I entrusted a boy I'd known my whole life with my heart when he asked for it, and he calmly gave it back to me a week later, saying he "wasn't the man I needed him to be yet," and then starting dating a whore girl-who-was-sexually-liberated-at-the-age-of-15 almost immediately, I cemented my belief that love was for fools and no one was worth the kind of pain I found myself wallowing in. I could like boys, sure. I could kiss them and touch them and be pleasured by them in lots of ways. Then along came someone who turned me from mouse to cat, and I fell in silly high school love--the infatuated, want-to-spend-all-my-free-time-with-him, this-is-the-first-time-I've-ever-been-part-of-something-bigger-than-me, I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-but-I-wanna-keep-doing-it kind of love--three years too late and found out the contempt I'd held for Valentine's Day, sappiness, and seemingly impossible scenes from love stories was just desire in disguise. Love did things to me that I didn't know were possible, including but not limited to making me realize that I crave stability more than anything else I have ever wanted.

I used to think my parents were invincible. But now my father has high blood pressure and diabetes, and my mother has kidney disease, and the worry there are not words large enough to express that has made its home in every nook and cranny of my body goes to show that I don't feel that way anymore.

I used to think 25 was ancient, but now that's less than 3 and a half years away and I can't understand how I ever thought I'd have my life together by then. This remains to be seen, but I'm unconvinced. I used to think adults had it all figured out. I know enough already to not feel that way anymore.

I used to be afraid to make mistakes. I used to live my life inside the lines, hoping to just get Thing X right and move on to Thing Y. I used to be afraid to stand up for myself or to really go against the grain at all. I used to be scared to stop doing things I didn't like. I used to be afraid to ask for help. I used to doubt myself and my abilities on the regular. I used to be afraid to LIVE, and thank a God I don't believe in that I don't feel that way anymore.

I also used to think I could do anything I set my mind to, and the sky was the limit, and all of my dreams were realizable. I used to think I could be a Superwoman and wear as many hats as I pleased. I used to think trees were meant for climbing and there's no point in going swimming if you're trying not to get your hair wet. I used to think pancakes sometimes made a great dinner, and libraries were man's greatest invention. And I hope to never live a day when I don't think those things anymore.