I'm a better artist with a pencil and paper, I promise. But I think this kind of explains the current problems in my life. I realized that I have this tendency to bounce back and forth between guys, pining wholeheartedly over a certain guy for a few weeks, and then all of a sudden being "kinda over it" and sometimes very quickly moving on to a different guy. It's generally three guys in rotation. And just last night I realized that this rotation is really my weird manifestation of a fear of commitment: I play around with the idea of these guys being more than just my friends, but at the first sign that something could happen, I usually run as soon as my ponderings move from fantasy to reality.
I can give myself totally to my friends. I can give myself totally to my schoolwork. I can give myself totally to whatever projects I take on. I can give myself totally to a job. I guess I'm really an all-or-nothing kind of girl, in a quirky and particular way, and the power this gives everything else in my life over me actually terrifies me. I'm kind of a control freak who never ever really feels like she's in control. But if I can give all these other things so much power over me, despite it being terrifying and nauseating and stressful, why does the idea of giving myself totally to someone romantically make me want to stick my head under the sand til I'm 90? When did love get put into the "not-worth-it" bin?
And more importantly, how can I get it out?
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