So I'm kind of in the market for a new vibrator

I suppose I wore my old one out. It eventually just stopped vibrating (yes I tried changing the batteries, to no avail), so I still use it as a dildo, but damn sometimes I don't wanna hafta do all the work. (#Imisshavingadickondemand) So I figure getting a new and fancier one is a better idea than hookups with randos/friends on lots and lots of counts. 
And y'all know I'm a fan of pleasure, so I try really hard not to knock how people get their rocks off, as long as it's not actually hurting anyone, but...this still disturbs me. 

It's a SWORD. Who fantasizes about sticking a sword up... People, why?!